I bailed

It was bound to happen sooner or later with the way I’ve been feeling. Yesterday, I bailed on my therapy session about 30 minutes in. Actually, I’m quite surprised I lasted that long because as soon as I sat down I had this urge to up and run out.

My brain is refusing to cooperate. It was an awful day at working with meeting after meeting and then having to do mandatory training that I’d totally forgot was due this Friday. The one exam took me about 10 tries because you need 70% and I was only getting 69%–like that extra 1% would be at all useful for me. There are so many things I need to get done but I can’t because I can’t focus on one single task.

I’m tired both physically and emotionally and I feel done with everything. I don’t know what I’m going to do if things don’t shift soon–maybe I’ll have to take a break from work or something.

Another first. I didn’t apologize for leaving early. Normally, when I feel the session doesn’t go well I’ll send an apology text, but not this time. I didn’t say anything except ‘can I go now?’ to which T said he understands and I left. It felt like he didn’t really care whether I stayed or not (I’m sure that’s not what was happening, but it’s definitely how it felt) so I didn’t care either. I’ve thought of sending a text message today because of course now he feels a million miles away from me but I don’t think I will…uggh…stupid brain!

I don’t need this life the way that it is. I need something different and I need it very soon.