not ready

As I hear the excited chatter of people outside of my office door and the wishes of a Merry Christmas, the only thing I can think is--I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the people, the dinner, the loudness and what feels like an utter invasion of my personal space. I'm not ready to face …

pretending

It's a strange thing to watch yourself slowly retreat from the world around you. Normally I never know it's happening but right now I can feel it and am doing absolutely nothing to stop it. The closer we get to Christmas, the harder it is to breathe. I still have things to do but I …

make plans, but don’t include me

On the outside I am totally rocking it and keeping my shit together and appearing to be an awesomely-awesome functioning member of society. On the inside though, where it's just me and my thoughts, everything feels so fucking complicated. There isn't a place that's comfortable right now. No matter where I sit it feels like …

catastrophic

I saw T yesterday and we talked about some of the things that I posted last time in where do you think I am? He asked me if terror, panic and nothingness weren't about missing and needing, then what were they about? I couldn't explain it no matter how hard I tried and all I …

where do you think I am?

Will you be going away at Christmas? I inquire hesitantly. I'm never quite sure if you mean figuratively or literally. But no, I'm not going anywhere during the holidays. Does it make you feel better knowing that? Yes, I shake my head. You know, with the technology of today people can always be in contact, pretty …

broken systems

It has been 25 days since I've heard anything from CAS. It has been 35 days since my ex was reported. My understanding is that they have up to 45 days to make some sort of decision but I don't even know where the process is because they haven't called me back. CAS feels like …