not ready

As I hear the excited chatter of people outside of my office door and the wishes of a Merry Christmas, the only thing I can think is–I’m not ready.

I’m not ready for the people, the dinner, the loudness and what feels like an utter invasion of my personal space. I’m not ready to face the fear. Because I am afraid. Of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. Of ruining the holiday for everyone else. For the pretenders.

I just want it all to be over with as soon as possible.

On Friday when I saw T it wasn’t a very productive session. I just felt so far away from the world around me. Off in my own little space, preserving whatever I could of myself in order to make it through the next little while. He told me he would just sit with me and that when I felt safe enough to return he would be waiting.

Near the end of session, T offered to meet with me this week if I was up for it. Part of me wanted nothing else but a part of me also felt overly needy and bothersome for wanting him to spend that time with me, so I said I wasn’t sure. He told me to let him know and that he would find a way to see me if I needed him. All I had to do was ask. I told him that I was sure he would have better things to do, but he told me that there would be nothing better than us being able to meet and that nobody would suffer because of it.

I spent the weekend in a fairly quiet place. I watched a couple of movies and basically just hung out in the basement. I did go to the store for a bit on Saturday with plans to buy a few extra stocking stuffers but once I hit the first aisle I turned around and walked out. It was impossible to move and breathe with so many people around and I just couldn’t do it. Everyone will just have to be happy enough with what I’ve gotten.

The one thing I’ve noticed is that it’s been a different sort of feeling the last few days when it comes to T. It hasn’t been the usual panic of ‘he has gone and disappeared and I will never see him again‘. It’s hard to explain but it’s more of a nothingness. But not a scary nothingness. It’s a quiet, insulated, calm nothingness. Complete and utter emptiness. I think I’ve been spending most of my time in another place and that’s why it feels the way it does.

I did end up texting T about meeting. It was a bit late, so I wasn’t sure he would be able to do it but he made it happen for later today. I’m not sure what we’ll talk about, but just being around him will hopefully make things more manageable.

All I know is that I’m not ready.

I’m not quite there.

2 thoughts on “not ready

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