trauma across the generations

I don't talk about C much on here. I don't know why really, but I think part of it is because it feels like I'm protecting him from something. I've talked oodles about my non-existent relationship with M and all of the trials and tribulations that have come with that but lately I've had some …

ambiguity

I know nightmares are common in PTSD, but how do you know if what haunts you in your sleep is real or not? I always told myself that if it wasn't something I'd remembered during the day then it wasn't real. But the nightmare I had last week feels so real that I find it …

not better

I'm trying to settle my nerves but haven't been sleeping well at all since the visit on Saturday even though I take meds to help with it. I thought leaving them behind would change everything. Apparently not. The drive to my Auntie's was good except for the waves of panic that would suddenly envelop me …

letters not sent–one year later

Dear T, Here I sit, one year later, in the exact same place where I told you I was never coming home again. So much has changed over the last year but parts of it remain exactly the same. Will there ever be a part of me that doesn't want to die? It doesn't matter …

arrival

My aunt and uncle are arriving today. I woke up this morning and had the deepest sense of dread. I've been trying to get my work done, but my mind keeps drifting to thoughts of them. They feel too close. I don't want them here. Technically the house we live in belongs to my parents, …

text from my cousin

I received the text above from my cousin just this morning. She is the daughter of the Aunt who used to take care of me when I was younger (my Aunt's house where the majority of the abuse took place). She is also the cousin who caught her brother molesting me and did nothing about …