still here, still struggling

Well, here we are again. Trying to patiently wait for something we aren't quite sure even exists. Life is hard, yet we continue to put one foot in front of the other. Perhaps our will to live currently outweighs that of dying. We've been trying to be more honest in therapy and it's hard. The …

dissociation, eye contact and finding myself in an uncomfortable place

Last week I sent the following message to T: I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy, yet, I just saw it flicker out of the corner of my eye. I know something is in this room. Waiting. There is something that haunts the daytime and fills the nights with fear and dread. And as much as …

the shadow is back

It felt like things had been slowly getting back to what I can only say feels like a bit of normalcy. But another bad nightmare, plus some other things happening and we're back in the land of the darkness again. Hmmm where to begin. About a month ago, I got offered a new job. It's …

awkward coversations

Have you ever had those really awkward conversations with your therapist? Well, I broke down and told him about my horrible self-image issues with all the weight I've gained since I've started on my current meds. He was very nice and understanding--like always--but it still felt really uncomfortable. Two new issues came up during our …

doing DBT and meeting a new specialist

So I'm going to be starting DBT at the beginning of March. I don't really know what to expect but as with anything new I'm trying not to let my nerves get the better of me. The woman I spoke with--Michelle--didn't seem very keen on doing one-to-one DBT with me and during our first call …

let’s talk about it

This post is really hard for me to write. Not only because I’m not very engaged right now but because I always feel ashamed thinking and talking about suicide. The past 2 years have kind of been a constant struggle for me mentally. Even with the help of medication, I’ll go through periods where I …