on the cusp of a new beginning

It's been a while since I've gone and disappeared again. I miss my blog but sometimes it's just easier to stay away. As I once told T, sometimes writing is not very cathartic and actually makes me feel worse about some of the situations I find myself in. I can't believe we are almost at …

4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks since M came to stay with me. It's turning out to look like a more permanent thing as it feels like his father has basically written him off entirely. It's been an adjustment but we're getting there slowly. C is not doing well with it at all but I've had him …

and so it continues

It's been ages since I've felt like writing anything. I think part of it is because once I start, writing almost becomes an all-consuming obsession and I just don't want to go into that place again. I don't even really write to T anymore because the answers are never enough. Not that he doesn't try …

still here, still struggling

Well, here we are again. Trying to patiently wait for something we aren't quite sure even exists. Life is hard, yet we continue to put one foot in front of the other. Perhaps our will to live currently outweighs that of dying. We've been trying to be more honest in therapy and it's hard. The …

dissociation, eye contact and finding myself in an uncomfortable place

Last week I sent the following message to T: I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy, yet, I just saw it flicker out of the corner of my eye. I know something is in this room. Waiting. There is something that haunts the daytime and fills the nights with fear and dread. And as much as …

the shadow is back

It felt like things had been slowly getting back to what I can only say feels like a bit of normalcy. But another bad nightmare, plus some other things happening and we're back in the land of the darkness again. Hmmm where to begin. About a month ago, I got offered a new job. It's …