and so it continues

It's been ages since I've felt like writing anything. I think part of it is because once I start, writing almost becomes an all-consuming obsession and I just don't want to go into that place again. I don't even really write to T anymore because the answers are never enough. Not that he doesn't try …

dissociation, eye contact and finding myself in an uncomfortable place

Last week I sent the following message to T: I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy, yet, I just saw it flicker out of the corner of my eye. I know something is in this room. Waiting. There is something that haunts the daytime and fills the nights with fear and dread. And as much as …

chaos

My recent interactions with my ex's wife in regards to M has gotten me to think about how Christmas was for me growing up. I remember it like it was yesterday and the only word to describe it was chaos. From the minute the holidays started it was like an overload of visiting and eating …

my anger

I've been working on anger the last few days. Most of the time I find myself wearing a smile that I don't believe in while inside I feel like screaming. I feel so angry, yet all I can do is cry. I hate when the anger turns to tears. I know there is no such …

moments

There's no map, no route, no arrowhead to follow. We have never walked this way before. They are always there...in quiet corners, in the shadows, in ordinary clothes...and they are terrifying. You need to watch out for them, for they will catch you unaware and fill you with unimaginable fear. There are too many things …

falling

'Are you alright?', they ask. 'No', I want to answer. And it's the truth. And at least I know it now. We are all mortal. We are all fragile. And we all live under the shadow of death. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is admit we're not strong enough. There is suffering. And …