letters not sent–truths

Dear T, I don’t want to write this letter. I don’t want to say these words. I don’t want to be sitting on this couch not understanding what I’ve done wrong yet again. I don’t really understand what you were trying to say to me but my ears heard that I need to try harder … Continue reading letters not sent–truths

mishmash

Feeling frustrated today. On the verge of rage--if it truly is rage--that defies words but combines anger, frustration, sadness and anxiety. This is a new feeling for me and I felt irritated all weekend at even the minor things in life. Everything feels like sandpaper under my skin. No matter what I do, it all … Continue reading mishmash

two sides

Note: This was written last fall after I was admitted to hospital and is largely unedited. It felt too vulnerable to post at the time, however I’m posting it now because I think that it's time (and T also just dropped the h bomb on me again--but we'll save that for another post...ugh) I have … Continue reading two sides

untethered

Sometimes it's hard not giving up. It's as though there is this invisible pull that wants to take you to a different place where things have a promise of being better. Logically, I know this isn't a real thing and there isn't somewhere out there that's going to magically make everything better but to that … Continue reading untethered

ambiguity

I know nightmares are common in PTSD, but how do you know if what haunts you in your sleep is real or not? I always told myself that if it wasn't something I'd remembered during the day then it wasn't real. But the nightmare I had last week feels so real that I find it … Continue reading ambiguity