f*%k, this is hard

I feel like a robot--slowly getting things done, but not really participating in life. An underlying sense of panic follows me everywhere. It feels like I need to fix everything. I need to do something to make things better. But maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. Maybe I am simply trying to fix something that isn't …

secret-keepers

I don't like secrets. I have been touched by people I never should have been touched by. Battered, bruised, forced to do unspeakable things and held down against my will. I have been called horrific names, told I was worthless and was often sent away. From a very young age I was forced into a …

aftershocks

The feelings of chaos and overwhelm from the last couple of weeks have given way to other things. There is a definite sense of resignation in it all, but something else is underlying everything. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is there all the time--like aftershocks following an earthquake--with an uncanny …

everything is changing

Whenever I think of what it was like to have a happy M, this is the picture that comes to mind. It has to be one of my absolute favourites. I took it over 5 years ago while we were camping. M loves the water and it is one of the places we can go …