aftershocks

The feelings of chaos and overwhelm from the last couple of weeks have given way to other things. There is a definite sense of resignation in it all, but something else is underlying everything. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is there all the time–like aftershocks following an earthquake–with an uncanny ability to collapse everything that was already damaged.

I am tired. It feels as though I have been defeated by something so much bigger than me. The tears are close and the sense of overwhelm looms in the distance–gone for now, but ready to pounce at the first opportunity.

Something is pushing me to get things in place. There is an underlying sense of panic in everything I do. It is as though time is not on my side. But, time is not moving either. It has stood in the same place for a long while now. It’s uncomfortable and brings so much uncertainty with it. There is no comprehension of the concept of ordinary time. In the moment, it is like an eternity happens in a single breath.

For the first time in awhile, I have serious thoughts of hurting myself. Perhaps that would be the key I need to unlock all that feels wrong at the moment.

Why is it so hard to know how I am supposed to be? Why does the world have to feel so strange?

I need to get back somewhere..back to a ‘normal‘ life..wherever that may be. It’s like the external world is wrong and my internal clock is what’s right and everything is just some misunderstanding or a dream that will be over soon. I cannot connect to that external world. I live parallel to everyone and everything that surrounds me

How does it all feel?

I DON’T KNOW

Have you ever felt really small? Like all you are is this tiny little atom? And because you’re so small everything that comes near you is massive and you need to pay attention because absolutely everything matters? That’s how it is sometimes…

It feels like I’m this little speck that can barely be noticed. And even though I’m tiny, I am feeling everything at the same time. But it’s somehow so overwhelming that it doesn’t even bother me.

It’s like you know you are supposed to feel certain feelings about things that are happening, or happened, but you can’t feel them at all. The world moves around you but you stay in one place.

YOU JUST ARE

It’s hard to trust people and to feel safe where I am. Nothing particular has happened but the sense of comfort I may have had is slowly dwindling. There is a part of me driving me to make more space, to run away from the discomfort that is within–to run far, far, away from all that is, was and will ever be.