dissociation, eye contact and finding myself in an uncomfortable place

Last week I sent the following message to T: I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy, yet, I just saw it flicker out of the corner of my eye. I know something is in this room. Waiting. There is something that haunts the daytime and fills the nights with fear and dread. And as much as …

Him

I never quite know how to start talking about my father. February 1st will be 12 years since he died and I always thought a huge weight would be lifted off of my shoulders once he was gone. It hasn't happened that way though. Perhaps a part of me felt we could pretend a little …

dark days

I woke up this morning and for a brief moment...forgot about my past. Then it all came flooding back. Time stood still. Everything felt hollow. I wished I could swap places with someone else. It should be them who has to live this way. When someone hurts you that much, how do you...does it ever …

moments

There's no map, no route, no arrowhead to follow. We have never walked this way before. They are always there...in quiet corners, in the shadows, in ordinary clothes...and they are terrifying. You need to watch out for them, for they will catch you unaware and fill you with unimaginable fear. There are too many things …

trauma across the generations

I don't talk about C much on here. I don't know why really, but I think part of it is because it feels like I'm protecting him from something. I've talked oodles about my non-existent relationship with M and all of the trials and tribulations that have come with that but lately I've had some …

one day

one day I will hearthe words you say to meand we will find a worldwhere we can just be one day I will seewho we really arethe one who became consumedby thoughts of places afar one day I’ll stop this warthe one I’ve fought all my lifewe'll forever be alonejust me and the light one …