Him

I never quite know how to start talking about my father. February 1st will be 12 years since he died and I always thought a huge weight would be lifted off of my shoulders once he was gone. It hasn't happened that way though. Perhaps a part of me felt we could pretend a little …

Father’s Day

Here I sit on the eve of one of my top two most hated holidays, Father's Day. Friends Facebook and Instagram posts will be starting early tomorrow, celebrations of joy and thankfulness for 1/2 of their DNA. I of course, won't be celebrating anything. I don't know how I will be spending the day this …

letters to T

These are the things I write to T in the middle of the night when I can't sleep for the millionth time. TW: talk of sexual abuse and suicide I don’t want to write this letter. I don’t want to say these words. I don’t want to be me sitting on your couch feeling like …

my penguin

Last week T asked me to think and write about ways I thought it would be possible for me to remember him when we aren't together. He explained that some people remember his face or his voice and then can hear or visualize him saying something. That was their way of keeping him with them. …

falling again

I got another message regarding M yesterday. Apparently he does not want to see me on Christmas Day and does not care whether or not I give him any gifts or not. I feel like I'll always be someone he won't want to talk to. I can't take it back, what happened between his dad …

she’s broken

Yesterday I had my therapy session and rather than talking about the fact that T didn't message me back, we spent 50 minutes talking about my mother...AGAIN!! Honestly, it's become a bit of a constant thing and the more I talk about her, the more angry and confused I become. And while he would never …