still here, still struggling

Well, here we are again. Trying to patiently wait for something we aren’t quite sure even exists. Life is hard, yet we continue to put one foot in front of the other. Perhaps our will to live currently outweighs that of dying.

We’ve been trying to be more honest in therapy and it’s hard. The biggest fear is that one day T will say he’s had enough of us and then it will all be over. I don’t think we’ll see another T after this one–it’s been a hard, long and bumpy road to get us to where we are now. Besides, how much longer do we want to continue to talk about how the past impacts our present. We know it does, T knows it does and it feels like it’s always going to be this way. So maybe if you can’t change it, it’d be better to just stop talking about it all.

We’re currently talking about the first memories and I constantly cringe at the disgustingness of it all. The words, albeit truthful, send shivers down my spine. ‘No’, that did not happen to me I want to scream out in anger. I haven’t cried for awhile now and I think it’s because we’re mostly dealing with anger. I’m trying my best to hide from it but today, I think I could cry at just about anything.

I’m also working on better eye contact since T brought it up awhile ago. I’ve gotten as far as looking at his shoulder, so I feel like we’re doing somewhat better. There’s something oddly comforting in watching him breathe, knowing that he’s remaining calm through everything. I don’t know if eye contact will ever be something I can do fully, but it’s definitely a work in progress.

Mother’s day just happened. I kept myself off of all social media for fear that I would begin to spiral into unwanted places. It helped some, but the postings were still there and sometimes even now pop up on my news feed. I know it’s the green monster feeding my thoughts and feelings right now and I wish he would literally just fuck off already. I know that not everyone who posts these wild and wonderful things about their mothers are telling the truth, but just seeing it hurts. There’s still a small part of me that does care about my own mother even though she failed me badly and I’m struggling to be okay with it. I didn’t hear from M at all. Not that I really expected to, but something would have been nice. Now that’s an area of my life I’d like to have a do-over with. But then again, I’m not entirely sure what I’d do differently. I wouldn’t love him any less or treat him any differently.

I’m still sitting here patiently waiting for the referral to the weight management physician my psychiatrist referred me to. I haven’t heard a peep although it’s only been 5 weeks. I figure it’ll be at least another month or two. My psychiatrist said the wait wasn’t usually that long, but in doctor language that probably means 3-6 months. I did hear back from my family doctor and he agreed to help in whatever way he can, so that was a bit of a surprise. I was glad he talked to my psychiatrist about it all rather than me trying to explain the situation. He explained the two different medications that could be used: Contrave which is a mixture of bupropion and naltrexone and Saxenda which is given as an injection. The Contrave makes me a bit nervous due to the bupropion as last time I was on that medication I was left feeling like a caffeinated squirrel on speed. So if that’s one of the options suggested, I will politely decline. He did warn me that both of them are hard on your system when you first start them so to be prepared for that. I felt a bit better after speaking with him as it seems like he knows what he’s talking about.

I finally have a start date for my new job. June 13th I go. I had to send an email to my current supervisor basically telling her I was feeling taken advantage of and being treated unfairly. I don’t know of anyone else here who has had to stay back for a certain length of time, spend weeks training their replacement who knows absolutely nothing about the job and being told they’d still have to do up to 15% of the job even when starting a new one. I sent the email and she agreed with everything I said to her. So while the first two things are on the list, I no longer have to do a certain percentage of my current job once I’m gone. For once I feel heard, so that feels like an accomplishment. Other than the move work has been a bit of a disaster lately. Some things have gone on that make me feel like a regulatory agency is about to rain down on us and I’m not in the mood for it whatsoever.

I’m sure there’s oddles more that I can put down here but it feels like a good place to stop. I’m feeling a bit tired and overwhelmed at the moment so I’m going to go and hide for a little while.