I think I f****d up

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here and it’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. Rather, I think it’s a case of indifference and exhaustion on my part that has me not really feeling like sharing with anyone. But I had a situation last night that I’m second guessing my decision on this morning so I thought I would write it out to try to make sense of it.

So on Sundays I bowl in a mixed league. Last night was our first night–my first night in a long time where I got to spend time with other adults. Unfortunately it didn’t last long as 30 minutes into it I got a call from my mother telling me that M was sitting on my couch at home flat out refusing to go back to his father’s house. At first I was absolutely shocked and then a deep sickening feeling came over me.

I didn’t feel it was fair for my mother to have to deal with things so I called my night short and came home. My mother explained that my ex had come to pick him up but when he wouldn’t go he basically told my mother that it was up to me to figure out what to do. Me? I’m not the one who he lives with. My ex is the one who made all the decisions 3 years ago, not me. But now that he’s in the situation I was struggling with it’s up to me to make the decisions. That doesn’t sound fair at all if you ask me.

So I asked M what was happening and he told me that they were yelling at him for no reason and that he didn’t want to go back there because they didn’t care about him. So we talked a bit more and he told me that if he went back to his father’s house he was going to leave in the middle of the night. I told him he couldn’t do that and that I thought it was important for him to talk with his father about the situation. I also told him he was in no uncertain terms allowed to just leave without telling anyone where he was going.

My heart was absolutely shattering but at the same time I was hesitant. I remembered the days when M was living at my house and the lies he would tell his father about what I was saying and doing and while I wanted to believe what he was saying I was having a hard time with it. Was this once again a situation where he wasn’t getting his way and was going to play sides? Considering he wouldn’t even talk to me for the last two years had me wondering.

After a while of chatting I’d convinced him that he could come to my house as long as it wasn’t to get back at his father but that it was best to go back to his dad’s to deal with whatever the situation was.

I dropped him off and right away ex started yapping at me. ‘Don’t you worry about it, I’ll deal with him. You don’t have to do anything. He won’t be going anywhere tonight…blah, blah, blah‘ It felt like he was blaming me for this whole situation when all I was doing was bowling.

Afterwards I talked with the ex’s wife and she told me that M had stolen all of the girls money ($300), was pilfering through everyone’s drawers looking for things, got caught vaping and was looking at inappropriate material on the internet. He was effectively grounded and wasn’t happy about it all.

I barely slept all night wondering if M was going to take off in the middle of the night and end up somewhere all alone. I don’t know if I should have sent him back to dad’s but I also knew that if I let him stay it would once again turn into this big fight with my ex over me doing the wrong thing. No matter what I do, or how I try, I can’t win when it comes to that man.

I feel like I f****d up. I feel like I let my son down. I don’t know what’s been going on at his dad’s house but it sounds like things have not been going well at all. I can’t change what’s happening there. That’s completely out of my control.

Maybe I made the wrong decision but I have to think of C too and how all of this impacts him. I know he was upset because he barely slept all night. It’s such a difficult situation when it comes to M and the history behind everything. I only want for him to be happy and healthy which he is definitely not. He’s still a child–only 13–so he can’t be making these adult decisions. And obviously yelling isn’t making a difference, although talking calmly with him doesn’t seem to make a difference either. He has big emotions for such a young person and it scares me about what his future holds.

For now, I’ll do my best to be a beacon for him in these stormy seas but also make sure not to drown in the process.

9 thoughts on “I think I f****d up

  1. Oh Max, first thing it is so good to hear from you but secondly so sorry it’s all about this and not how great life is for you. I can relate to so much of what you say with similar aged children in the mix, and sometimes whatever we do is twisted and sued against us. It’s awful to have to constant think of it through legal eyes rather than gut instinct and common sense. Sometimes it just feels like there is no choice and it’s really hard. Do you think you’ll get to hear how M is going on? Sounds like he’s really struggling and that impacts on everyone, as the sayings: goes we can only be as happy as the least happy of our children because we can’t help but go through things with them. Wishing you strength through it all 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks SH. It really is a tough thing. I feel as though no matter which decision I make it’s going to the wrong one. I haven’t heard anything since and I just hope I haven’t driven a bigger wedge between M and I.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re a human doing your very best, and unfortunately sometimes there’s no 100% right option. Not because of lack within yourself, or lack of trying, but because you’re not Paul Atreides (book: Dune) who can look at the available options and see into the future.

        I don’t remember much about M or what happened through the years (sorry, I’ve DID am still new to it, and of course you’re mot obligated to explain), but I honestly think it’s all systemic failures of various systems around you, your ex, M etc etc etc.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s