I think I f****d up

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here and it’s not that I haven’t had anything to say. Rather, I think it’s a case of indifference and exhaustion on my part that has me not really feeling like sharing with anyone. But I had a situation last night that I’m second guessing my decision on this morning so I thought I would write it out to try to make sense of it.

So on Sundays I bowl in a mixed league. Last night was our first night–my first night in a long time where I got to spend time with other adults. Unfortunately it didn’t last long as 30 minutes into it I got a call from my mother telling me that M was sitting on my couch at home flat out refusing to go back to his father’s house. At first I was absolutely shocked and then a deep sickening feeling came over me.

I didn’t feel it was fair for my mother to have to deal with things so I called my night short and came home. My mother explained that my ex had come to pick him up but when he wouldn’t go he basically told my mother that it was up to me to figure out what to do. Me? I’m not the one who he lives with. My ex is the one who made all the decisions 3 years ago, not me. But now that he’s in the situation I was struggling with it’s up to me to make the decisions. That doesn’t sound fair at all if you ask me.

So I asked M what was happening and he told me that they were yelling at him for no reason and that he didn’t want to go back there because they didn’t care about him. So we talked a bit more and he told me that if he went back to his father’s house he was going to leave in the middle of the night. I told him he couldn’t do that and that I thought it was important for him to talk with his father about the situation. I also told him he was in no uncertain terms allowed to just leave without telling anyone where he was going.

My heart was absolutely shattering but at the same time I was hesitant. I remembered the days when M was living at my house and the lies he would tell his father about what I was saying and doing and while I wanted to believe what he was saying I was having a hard time with it. Was this once again a situation where he wasn’t getting his way and was going to play sides? Considering he wouldn’t even talk to me for the last two years had me wondering.

After a while of chatting I’d convinced him that he could come to my house as long as it wasn’t to get back at his father but that it was best to go back to his dad’s to deal with whatever the situation was.

I dropped him off and right away ex started yapping at me. ‘Don’t you worry about it, I’ll deal with him. You don’t have to do anything. He won’t be going anywhere tonight…blah, blah, blah‘ It felt like he was blaming me for this whole situation when all I was doing was bowling.

Afterwards I talked with the ex’s wife and she told me that M had stolen all of the girls money ($300), was pilfering through everyone’s drawers looking for things, got caught vaping and was looking at inappropriate material on the internet. He was effectively grounded and wasn’t happy about it all.

I barely slept all night wondering if M was going to take off in the middle of the night and end up somewhere all alone. I don’t know if I should have sent him back to dad’s but I also knew that if I let him stay it would once again turn into this big fight with my ex over me doing the wrong thing. No matter what I do, or how I try, I can’t win when it comes to that man.

I feel like I f****d up. I feel like I let my son down. I don’t know what’s been going on at his dad’s house but it sounds like things have not been going well at all. I can’t change what’s happening there. That’s completely out of my control.

Maybe I made the wrong decision but I have to think of C too and how all of this impacts him. I know he was upset because he barely slept all night. It’s such a difficult situation when it comes to M and the history behind everything. I only want for him to be happy and healthy which he is definitely not. He’s still a child–only 13–so he can’t be making these adult decisions. And obviously yelling isn’t making a difference, although talking calmly with him doesn’t seem to make a difference either. He has big emotions for such a young person and it scares me about what his future holds.

For now, I’ll do my best to be a beacon for him in these stormy seas but also make sure not to drown in the process.