I saw T yesterday and we talked about some of the things that I posted last time in where do you think I am?
He asked me if terror, panic and nothingness weren’t about missing and needing, then what were they about? I couldn’t explain it no matter how hard I tried and all I felt was an enormous amount of shame sitting just under the surface.
You don’t think any of this is because there is something wrong with you, do you? You don’t think that this is something you can change on your own or that you can just make go away? Because there is no way you can learn these things alone and there just has never been an opportunity for you to understand how it’s supposed to be. It is not your fault that you think and feel this way. It will get better and you will tell me when it starts to feel differently right?
How will I know?
You won’t feel so scared and alone. You will feel stronger. You will feel like I am with you, even though you can’t see or hear me.
How does it feel?
Less scary. Safer. Easier. You will know that you are loved, well thought of and cared about–because you very much are.
It will feel like right now, when we are together, but all the time? I wanted to ask, but didn’t have the courage to do so.
Then I asked him if he wanted me to stop messaging him. He wanted to know if I felt obliged to stop messaging him. I nodded my head yes and then he told me that I can message him whenever I want or need to–he doesn’t mind and that it’s okay. The one thing we need to work on is my understanding of delays in responding, he said. I need to know that delays are only because he is human and although something might be keeping him from answering, it’s never because of me.
Then he brought up the Christmas holidays–AGAIN. Cue the tears and the panic.
Now, I’m not sure about the rest of you, but for me, I’d rather talk about the weather than Christmas holidays, Easter holidays, or any type of holiday in general. I know it’s not going to change anything but there is a small part of me that hopes by not talking about it, it’s just not going to happen.
Hahahahah. Nice try, right?
Like many of you, I am dreading the upcoming holidays. I’m dreading the people, the visits, the expectations, the feelings of not quite doing it right. But most of all, I’m dreading what’s there, in the background–which isn’t really in the background at all when I come to think of it–the therapy break and time away from T. If I can make myself sit and actually think about it (which, let’s face it, I don’t like to do), I’m really quite lucky. It won’t be weeks and weeks of time away and it’s not really that long that we won’t see each other.
T offered to switch Christmas week and said that we could meet on the 24th rather than not meeting at all. It felt really nice nice considering he doesn’t even work Mondays but also made me feel really needy. It’s his regular day off and is also Christmas Eve and I’m sure T would much rather be spending time with his family. He could sense the hesitation in accepting so he told me I could think about it.
The difference if we were to meet on the 24th would mean 9 days of break rather that 12 as we would be back to our regular schedule on January 2nd. That’s not too many days, right? It’s less than two weeks. But it still feels awful.
I told T that I don’t like changes in my routine. They feel scary. He told me it’s a lot more than that and it’s not just a change in routine for me. Things like this are simply catastrophic because every single change and break feels like an ending.
Is that right?
I’ve never thought of describing things that way before. However, I can definitely understand why he would say it after reading the definition. It does feel disastrous, apocalyptic and fatal when T is gone. It doesn’t feels survivable at all. Logically, I get that the world is not going to end. Emotionally though? Fat fucking chance.
T went on to say that sometimes breaks can be good for us. They help us learn, grow and move forward. The adult me shakes my head and agrees. The young parts of me doth protest and wanted to scream and cry that things just cannot be better without him.
Why does this have to feel so fucking hard all the time? Uggggghhhh…
There is plenty of uncertainty in this world.
2018 was incredibly rough.
I’ll be glad when this year is finally over.