letters not sent–are we okay?

Dear T,

Are we okay, I wonder? It doesn’t feel that we are. I don’t know, it’s just that it feels like there is something I’m meant to be saying or doing, but I just don’t know what it is really. I hate when it feels like you are mad at me. I don’t know why it matters so much really. It’s not like it should matter, it just does.

I feel really alone the last few weeks. It’s like nobody understands where I am and why things are the way that they are. It’s hard when you feel isolated from all of the people around you. I somehow feel like this loneliness should be something I’m used to by now. It’s come and gone so many times over the years that it should just be something that I understand is going to be part of my life.

Friday was another terrible therapy session. At least that’s how it felt to me. Everything was getting under my skin. Why wouldn’t you just turn off that stupid fireplace that kept ticking in the background? I told you it was driving me crazy but instead of turning it off you only wanted to know what crazy looked like for me. What did you want me to say? What did you want from me? It feels like we’re getting further and further apart from each other and I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.

I feel like I am ripping at the seams. Eventually I will be a million pieces scattered on the floor. I will no longer be one and there will never be a place where we can feel whole again. But is that something new? Have we ever really felt whole? I think maybe I’ve been unraveling ever since I was born but I never really noticed it because it was always happening so slowly. Not now though. Now I can feel it.

Let’s talk about us some more, okay? I feel the same way I always have. You are still my person and I need you to just hang in there a little bit longer while I try to get myself out of this funk I find myself in. Can you do that for me please? Just a little bit longer?

Because I can’t do this on my own.

4 thoughts on “letters not sent–are we okay?

  1. Oh love. Fucking clicking noises … Christ! I’m really noise sensitive too. Em used to have a crap little clock in the shelf and honestly it had the loudest bloody tick. Sometimes I just wanted to grab it and throw it at her! I’m sorry T didn’t give you what you needed. What would happen if you showed him these letters? X

    Liked by 1 person

    • yes, it’s quite the annoyance that’s for sure. I noticed on Friday that even though it was a bit chilly he didn’t have his fireplace turned on. Eventually. I tell T everything I’ve written on my blog in my letters not sent and it’s usually quite helpful even if it does feel like the end of the world…xx

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