two years

To my beautiful M. It’s been two years since you’ve lived with me and 53 days since I’ve talked to you or seen your handsome face.

You’re growing up so fast and I feel like I am missing all of the important parts of your life. I imagine your voice will soon be changing and I can’t help but worry that the next time I hear it, I won’t even recognize it.

My mind often brings me back to the day you left. It always feels like you left me. And even though I know it’s never a child’s responsibility to stick around because their parent needs them I do need you to be part of my world.

There was just so much tension and anger that I didn’t know what else to do and had to let you go. I only wanted you to be happy. I still want you to be happy. I pray that you are happy.

People tell me that it won’t always be like this. They’re convinced that one day things will be better between us and that you won’t always feel the way that you do. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t even sure what it is that you are feeling. I imagine it to be a mixture of hate, missing and confusion. I only wish I could have prevented whatever it is that happened and why you feel the way that you do.

Until another day M, I want you to know that I will always love you. I always have. I miss you so much, my beautiful boy.