I’ve been struggling with some of the side effects of my medication for awhile now, mostly weight gain, and it’s not doing anything to make me feel better about myself physically. At my last appointment with my physician he told me I could reduce my Seroquel if I wanted to and knowing that is has a well-known side effect of weight gain I jumped the chance and about a week ago I went from 100mg to 50mg at bedtime.
Last weekend my Auntie called me and asked how things are going. I told her fine (not necessarily true) and she asked me if I was being medication compliant (yes, I answered truthfully because I am actually really good at taking my meds as directed by my doctors). Then I proceeded to tell her I was reducing my Seroquel. BIG MISTAKE!! I thought she was literally going to lose her mind. She starts yelling at me and telling me that my doctor shouldn’t be doing that (yes, I agree he’s a idiot), that he should be telling ME what to do and not vice-versa and that I should be on it for at least a year before making any changes….blah, blah, blah.
So it got me thinking. Just because someone has a mental illness doesn’t necessarily mean that they are unable to make their own decisions, does it?
I am an adult, correct? It’s my choice as to what happens and what I choose to do and what I want to put inside of my body, correct? Am I not of the mindset where I am still able to make my own decisions?
I don’t feel like my choice to change my medication is being done recklessly. I do feel like I should have some say in what I’m taking, when I take it and for how long I’m going to take it. I do feel as though my doctor is not adequately equipped to help me very much at all (those of you who’ve been following me for awhile would most likely agree) but I do, do enough research that I feel prepared enough to change what it is I want to change.
And while yes, I will agree that the medication controls some of the issues I am facing, I currently feel the cons outweigh the pros.
I understand my Auntie is concerned but I am an adult and I have the right to at least make some of my own decisions without clearing it with other people first. Being yelled at and argued with does not help with the situation whatsoever. I’ve given it 4 months and yes, perhaps I should give it a bit more time, but I just don’t feel good about myself while taking it. I just can’t deal with the utter blah feelings anymore. I’d rather feel something than absolutely nothing. And if it’s the wrong decision, well, I guess I will have to deal with the consequences.
To top it off my Auntie threatened to call my therapist. What exactly would that hope to achieve? He can’t prescribe medication, he can’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t take. Are they going to call him and tell him that I’m not equipped to make my own decisions in hopes that he’ll convince me to keep taking them, or god forbid, agree that I shouldn’t be making these decisions because my mind isn’t working properly? And if that happens? If she thinks I’m going back to that hospital (because she thinks I should have been there way longer than 12 days) she has another thing coming. I’d rather die than go back there and be treated like a prisoner. I know how to hide things and if that’s what it takes I will do it.
I am an adult and I do not need to discuss my medical history with anyone. What I choose to do is my choice. It’s my choice now. I am not a child anymore who can be controlled by the adults in my life. I will learn to live by my rules, making my own decisions with my own mind–no matter how wrong it might or might not be. And I will discuss with my therapist what I WANT to discuss with my therapist and what other people want me to discuss with him.
I’m trying my best not to go backwards these days. I’m trying to move forward and get to where I need to get. I know not everyone is going to agree with how I get there but I need to learn that that’s okay too.