when your weeks are tough

Last week was quite a rough week and I’m glad for it to be over.

On a whim I’d decided I’d write my brother a letter last Sunday. I’ve been looking for answers that neither I nor T can find. I’m not sure exactly what I hope my brother can say to me but perhaps he will help me find some of my memories. I asked him about my aunt’s house and if he remembered any of the abuse that happened there. I asked him what he remembered about our father, specifically what type of person he remembered him being. I also asked him about our mother and whether he remembered her leaving us. I wasn’t really expecting him to write me back but he did that same night and I’ve had panic attacks ever since. He didn’t answer any of my questions, but thanked me for writing and told me he has to think about what to say. I’m not sure if that is confirmation or whether he’s about to tell me I’m crazy.

Later that day my beloved golden retriever suddenly died. I didn’t even have time to consider the vets. One minute he was running around the back yard and the next he’s laying on his side dead. To say it was a shock would be an understatement. He was only 6 and to my knowledge was in perfect health. The only thing I can think is it was a sudden heart attack. I had him cremated and will spread his ashes in the spring in some of his most favourite places. He was such a goofball but life definitely feels quieter since he’s been gone.

Murph in happier times

Then on Monday it was the anniversary of my father’s death. It’s always a hard time of year for me because it just brings up horrible memories of the abuse he put on us. To top it off my mother suddenly fell ill. We thought she may be having a stroke so I had to call an ambulance for her. Thankfully, it wasn’t that but she did go into a hypertensive crisis which basically means her blood pressure was over 200. She seems fine now that they have her on some proper meds but it was definitely a tense moment.

Later in the week, my mother decided I should only see T once per week because twice a week is way too much. Again, I never quite know what to say to her in those moments so I say nothing. It’s not like she pays for it, so why does she care so much about it.

Anyways, she got her wish in the end because on Friday we had a huge winter storm and T wasn’t feeling the best so he decided that we wouldn’t meet. All weekend I was worried that either he’d contracted COVID or was just sick of my crap and that I’d never see him again…ugh the dreaded abandonment issues are alive and well.

I spent the weekend worrying and doing art projects. It helped a little bit but I was still worried so I broke down and texted. He’s fine, thank goodness and we will plan our usual two meetings this week unless the weather doesn’t cooperate again.

Anyways, that was last week in a nutshell. Here’s so more of my attempts at art….