to tell or not

I imagine it in my head. My aunt has died and all that’s left will be two more aunts I never really talk to. My father’s family will be severed. When that happens it’ll be the day I tell my mother what happened at my aunt’s house when I was a child. At least that’s how I’ve always imagined it would go.

T and I discussed telling my mother some of what happened. I don’t think I will ever tell her about my father and brother but I can’t help but wonder if things would be easier if she knew some of it.

I’ve thought about it in the past, but this time it feels like I’m close to being able to do it if I could only get over the all-encompassing anxiety that comes along with it. I am afraid to tell her. For many reasons, really. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she decides she doesn’t want to be around me anymore? What if she decides she really doesn’t love me?

Now it’s not front page news that I’ve never really felt loved by my mother. I’ve written numerous times about how I was too much for her so she sent me away some days. So, what would be the difference if those things causing so much anxiety actually came true? It shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, should it? I guess it just feels so final.

T thinks it’s herself that she has such a struggle to love, although he says that will have an impact on her relationship with me too. I don’t know. I wish her approval of me didn’t have to mean so much. But it does.

How would I tell her, I wonder? In person? A letter maybe? Should I invite her to my therapy session? Of all the ways to tell her I might ask my Auntie to do it for me. But is that fair? To my Auntie, I mean? Would it be putting her in the middle? Should I even care?

C and I are going camping the last week of July, so if I could get my Auntie to do it then it would give my mother a few days to absorb it all. Then right after we get home, she’s going to visit my brother for a week, so that’s more space there as well. I don’t want it to be like I’m hiding from her, but I think the space would be useful for me. And isn’t that really who it should be about for once? Gah, that sounds so selfish.

I’m not sure what my eventual decision will be but it’s definitely something T and I are going to have to spend more time discussing. I have to make sure I’m really ready because once it’s said it can’t be unsaid. And I have to make sure my Auntie is on board with it too. Lots to think about really and right now I’m just not sure what to do. Do I tell or not?