I feel confused. Could I have had it all wrong? I didn’t think so but now I’m not so sure. This is what happens when you talk about your trauma at the wrong time. You’re left ashamed and doubting yourself. 

I decided to ask my Auntie whether she would be willing to talk to my mother for me if I decided to go ahead with telling her about part of my abuse. I’d sent her an email because I wanted to give her time to think about it. She wrote me back this…

Read your email. 100% support you…. I’m a slow texter so will send u an email on weekend… don’t fret you need to do this to heal.
I know your mom has been frustrated with both her children at times (me too) but never ever once said anything but support for both

Um, excuse me? Support from my mother? Now this statement is coming from the same Auntie who told me that I was always too much for my mother. Now she’s saying my mother’s always been supportive of us? And now my Auntie’s frustrated with me too?

This is exactly why I don’t want to say anything to my family at all. One minute they tell you they don’t want you around because you are too much for them and the next they’re telling everyone they have undying love and support for you. They play such stupid mind games with you.

It’s so hard not to doubt yourself when you’re given such mixed messages all of the time. At this moment I feel like saying anything will just make me feel worse than I already do.

I don’t know. Am I reading all of this wrong? So confused…

8 thoughts on “confusion

  1. That’s a very ambiguous me too. It could also mean that Auntie gets frustrated with her kids (if she has any), or that your mother gets frustrated at Auntie sometimes. I have no idea what the intended message was. That’s weird.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I took it to mean she’s saying your mom has been frustrated with her too, rather than that she’s been frustrated with you children as well as your mom being. But I can see how it reads both ways, which is unfortunate. Either way, it sounds like she’s saying there’s been positivity that you haven’t experienced, and I can imagine how that might feel.
    Is she the sort of person you can reply asking for further clarification about what the brackets particularly mean?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I will wait for her email reply before throwing too many questions her way. Perhaps you are right and she meant my mother was frustrated with her as well. I know that to be true as my mother has often expressed how she isn’t my Auntie’s mother and that she should learn to take care of her ownself.

      Liked by 2 people

    • yeah, as the days go on I am less and less inclined to say anything to anyone. It just doesn’t feel like a safe decision to share at this point in time….xx


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