The last four days have been a real struggle which has ended up with 2 emails and 6 text messages to T…eeek! He’s still here and says I’m not a giant pain in his arse although that’s exactly how it feels most of the time.
My last text went like this:
you don’t have to answer….
I worry that I need you too much and that it’s not normal.
I’m scared and I feel like I should be. This journey involves risk at the highest level and the real question is ‘what will become of me after this?’ Because if this doesn’t turn out to be my freeing, it feels like it will by my destruction.
there is just so much skin in the game…
Why oh why do things have to feel so incredibly hard that it sends me spiraling down the rabbit hole of random messages to him? Don’t get me wrong, the messages always sound fabulous and straight forward in my head, but then when I see them written down after they’ve been sent it just feels so cringe-worthy.
I don’t feel like I’ve ever NOT been too much for T. According to him we all have legitimate needs, it’s just that mine were not met and that it seems wrong to fault me for it. That doesn’t seem to sink into my head that easily though. I think it’s the struggle between what was and what is now. Back then I was young and defenseless and did whatever it was that I did to survive. But now? Now I’m grown with a job and a family and I should be able to take care of myself a little bit better than I have been. At least that’s how it feels to me. And it’s not like I think he’ll be around forever…although that would be amazing…because I get how this whole therapy thing works. And that is me growing strong in my ownself so that I can move away from therapy…or at least away from such intense therapy.
Maybe part of it is feeling like I’ve already been in therapy for so long that I should be more able to control these things. I try, and sometimes I can go for weeks without a text or email yet something always drags me out of that and I have periods of time like this…where I blow up his devices. He always thanks me for my messages and tells me that they ‘help us move forward’ but I can’t help but wonder if deep down he secretly wishes I would just stop already. One day I imagine sending a text to his number and some rando person texts back ‘who is this?’ because he’s gone and changed his number without telling me.
Tomorrow I have my session and he’ll ask how I am and all I’ll want to say is fine (my default answer) even though the 2 emails and 6 text messages say otherwise. Maybe tomorrow will be different and I’ll be able to say ‘you know what T? I really needed you these past days and I’ve been struggling for awhile to get the right words out to describe to you what’s been happening but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job because no matter what I say it’s not feeling better at all’ or maybe I’ll just read this post to him.
And then once again apologize for being so needy.