Merry Christmas, M

On this snowy Christmas Eve I’m struck by a sudden sadness of things that just won’t be. I’m trying my best to stay in reasonable spirits for C, but it’s not that easy. I’m also trying to tell myself that this year is different for many people because of the pandemic and I know I’m not the only person who won’t be able to spend the holiday with family. Something about it feels different though. M is only 11 and 11 is way too young to not be together on Christmas.

This year, I was supposed to be getting Christmas day with the boys. I am instead dropping C off for 2 hours to spend some time with his father. We go into provincial lockdown at 12:01am on the 26th for 14 days, so I’m glad for C because he hasn’t seen his father since July. I have a box of gifts to drop off for M, and I’m curious as to whether or not he’ll even come to the door to get them or if I’m going to have to hand them over to his father or that dreaded woman who lives with him. I had wanted to get M a mobile so then at least I could talk and text whenever I wanted to (even if he didn’t answer), but I was told no because they had promised to get him one for his next birthday. I should have just gone ahead and done it, but I ordered a Bluetooth speaker instead with the hopes that M blares it with his horrible music and drives his father crazy.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for the time that C is gone. It’s only two hours but will likely feel like two years. Perhaps I’ll just take a nap. I won’t cry. I’ve already done a lot of it and yes, the heartbreak is still there, but I just don’t have the strength to do it anymore. I’m so tired of these feelings.

All week people at work have been sending their holiday wishes and all of them end with ‘I hope you have fun with the boys over the holidays‘. I never know what to say in those situations, so I basically just shake my head yes, say thanks and then walk away with tears in my eyes for what won’t be. T says I’m a good mother but I have a hard time accepting that view. What kind of mother’s 11 year old child hates them and won’t even talk to them? Some days I tell myself that I never should have thought I could do better than my own mother because it feels like I’m doing worse…

Anyways, that’s enough of that…

Merry Christmas, M. I love you to the moon and back and I just hope that one day soon things can be easier for us…xx