Things are hard. I wish T were here. But he can’t be at the moment. I don’t really want to make this about him anyway because then it’s going to sound so needy and pathetic and will just end up making me feel like a selfish asshole. So for now, T will not be the main focus of my blog posts.
I’ve just come back to work after being gone for a little over two weeks and I can already feel the life being sucked out of me. I cried myself to sleep last night because I was dreading even stepping foot in this building. I used to love my job but lately I feel taken advantage of. It feels as though all of the effort I put into my work is not appreciated whatsoever and that any legitimate concerns that I have are brushed off by my supervisor.
In the 6 hours that I’ve been here I’ve deleted 454 emails and worked up the courage to finally send an email to my supervisor telling him I no longer have the resources to work on a particular file. The file has nothing to do with my job and seems to be growing with additional duties that I somehow got stuck with over 5 years ago. I was thinking about it before my vacation and lately it’s just becoming too much so first thing this morning I sent him the email. And he has yet to even acknowledge it. Honestly, part of me doesn’t even expect him to do anything about it especially after the way he brushed off another concern of mine a few weeks ago.
In late October we are having a huge environmental audit (we have them every 2-3 years). Since I am the only person who covers 3 of the 4 major environmental components for the facility, these audits tend to be a bit overwhelming at times (envision 6 people breathing down your neck, following your every move and drilling you with questions for 3 days straight). To top it off, this time around someone–probably someone who has never even done the job and has no idea how much work is involved–decided to add health and safety to the audit as well. And since health and safety falls under me too that means about 99% of the upcoming audit is going to be based on my work and the files that I am responsible for.
Needless to say, I wasn’t very impressed with the changes. I hate audits to begin with because they are intrusive and leave no time to do any of my other core duties. For the life of me, I couldn’t foresee them being any easier with extra items being added so, I decided I would reach out to the departmental heads expressing my concerns. I was nice (it was hard) but I basically told them that as the person who is in charge of most of the environmental items, including the large scale items such as chemical management, wastewater management and emergency response as well as dealing in part with other environmental aspects and ALL of health and safety for the building, I’m wasn’t sure how this was expected to run smoothly. I got some fluffy email response along the lines of ‘thanks for reaching out. I understand your concern with the thought of additional workload but we are trying to set up the program to reduce the impact to facilities and facility staff as much as possible…oh, p.s. we’re also going to be adding some mandatory training the day after the audit is done.’
I call BULLSHIT!!
I don’t know how adding more auditors and more items to go through while not increasing staff or support in our area is reducing the impact on us whatsoever. And as if that wasn’t enough, to go an add extra training because they’ll already be here and it makes things easier for them feels insulting!! I was so pissed by it all that I didn’t even respond to the message. It was the type of pissed where all you can do is cry because you’re too tired and too overworked and too everything all at the same time.
I sat on it for a few days because I was so angry but before I left on vacation I wanted to touch base with my supervisor. I was trying to explain that they’re asking too much of one person and that it’s not right that they’ve made this decision to add new things without any input from those directly impacted by the changes. His response? ‘Keep management informed on the progress and in email exchanges with staff’.
I’ve never really had much respect for my supervisor because he’s such a ladder-climbing fucking weasel who only cares about getting his annual bonus on the backs of his staff and this response just proves to me that any respect is not deserved whatsoever.
I left for vacation with a bad taste in my mouth and I’ve come back to more of the same. You are supposed to come back from vacation feeling rested and rejuvenated and all I feel is crap. All of the work that was piled on my desk before I went away is still there because there is nobody to back-fill for me. So now, instead of feeling better, there’s just more work and more pressure and absolutely no support to get everything done. And my boss is a selfish ass who doesn’t even seem to give a shit that I’m struggling with all of these files by myself.
I’ve also been having the worst nightmares ever for the last two weeks. It’s like all of these people from my past are coming for me and I just can’t shake the feeling that something really bad is happening. So instead of just being completely overwhelmed at work, I’m a completely overwhelmed and exhausted mess.
I want to quit. I want to pack up my desk, tell my supervisor to shove his bonus us his ass and never look back. But as the sole income earner for my family as well as holding the benefits and future pension, it’s not really an option for me at all. I just don’t know what to do. All I know is that I cannot keep functioning this way at work, manage my lupus (which literally makes me feel like I am going to die the first 2 hours of every day) and all of the other shit that’s gone on in my life.
I’m getting by but I am overwhelmed and angry and exhausted. I can feel myself pushing everyone away because there is a part of me convinced that I am completely damaged and that it’s better to keep others away instead of risking them being hit the shrapnel as I start to implode.
I’ve made a decision that if I can just make it through the next little while and finish with the fucking audit, I’m going to go to my doctor and get a note to be off of work….maybe for a month or so. I do have 20 weeks of sick leave built up, so if I need to use it, I will. I’m just really done with this place and all of the petty bullshit right now.
God, work sucks….