spirals…

I struggle so much to convey what it’s like to be me. Words are the invisible ties that unite us to one another but when they are lost I feel disconnected. Everything feels ‘too much‘. Feelings aren’t supposed to be so overwhelming. I didn’t know you could feel like this. I certainly don’t know how you survive feeling like this. It is like finding yourself drowning under the crushing waves of emotion.

For such a long time the only thing I ever felt was broken. Surely other people didn’t need to know every day that someone was still alive because the only thought cycling through their brain was that the other person was bound to disappear. Others couldn’t understand the panic that suddenly tells you another person no longer exists or how it feels like your survival is threatened when it happens. I didn’t understand why things were the way that they were and that others could feel the same way. I was utterly convinced that I was going crackers.

I have spent the last 4+ years with T trying to learn that not everyone is bad and that he is not going to hurt me. He never promised he would always be there, but it feels like he did. What felt like a broken promise left me feeling scared, overwhelmed and abandoned. When T went away, I spiraled. Like a ship straining to see the light in a storm, I desperately searched for him in my memories, but I couldn’t find him. I missed the lifeline–real or not. I felt lost, as lost as a child who had lost the most important person in their life. I was absolutely terrified that he wouldn’t come looking for me and that I would succumb to the elements before he got back.

He did come back (at least for a little while) but now I’m struggling to hold the connection. There is definitely space between us that wasn’t there before. I’ve drastically reduced between session contact with him to the point where I’m not emailing and barely even texting him. Talking in sessions is even worse than before and I feel like we’re starting at the beginning again. He’s noticed it and in our last session he commented on it. He wanted to know if it was because I didn’t want to bother the sick person and perhaps I thought it was best to just leave him alone. But no, that hasn’t been it at all. I think I haven’t wanted to reach out to him because I am hoping that if I can keep my distance and make some space from everything that’s happening maybe, just maybe, it will make things easier when he has to leave again in a few weeks. If things feel easier, perhaps I won’t spiral again.

Spiraling is a strange thing. It can be something big and life changing or it can be a series of smaller things. Once it happens, it can happen quickly. You can’t see what’s in front of you. You can’t see how far you’ve come. You can’t reach the person sitting right beside you. When you start on that downward descent, all that you can feel is an indescribable pain that you need to get away from, but you don’t know how. You mind is flooded with the memories of all you’ve gone through, all that’s gone wrong in your life and in those moments all that you want, all that you can see, the only option, is to not be here.

You rationalize with yourself about why you should die. It could be the way out when you don’t have the words to describe how you feel. It could be a way of taking control when everything around you feels out of control. I can be about finally being able to make the decisions in contrast to the powerlessness of your past experiences. You could end it all. It could be a way that you deal with the rage that has no other place to go. It can be about you taking back your power from them. From those who wanted you dead back when you were a child. They would finally get what they wanted but it would be your choice. Your way. Not theirs.

Even the strongest rock will break into a thousand pieces if it falls off a cliff. For all of these years a void has consumed me. I’ve felt left with nothing. I’ve felt like I have been nothing, like I am nothing. I crave a connection to the parts of myself that were lost all those years ago, but it feels like my world has been determined to silence us. I am fighting to find the words. To discover who I am, the whole of me, every facet of who I am. I can’t do it alone. I can’t do it without him. The certainty and reassurance that he will always be here, that nothing ever changes and that everything will be okay, has shifted. Things have been said. Much has been left unsaid. We still have a lot of work to do.

4 thoughts on “spirals…

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