having enough

How do you know when you’ve had enough?

I asked T but he didn’t quite know what I meant by the question. I didn’t clarify because I wasn’t sure what to say.

I’ve often thought about it, though. Wondered to myself if I would know when enough was enough. Do you think it’s a sudden thing? Something you wouldn’t even know was happening until it was staring at you, right in your face? Or maybe it’s more gradual with each day feeling harder than the last until you just can’t take it anymore.

I figured one day, I’d probably end up reaching the point where I’d be fed up with it all and simply couldn’t bear to live one more moment the way I’ve been living. I might wake up and finally listen to my intuition, that voice that keeps getting louder, screaming in my ears that this is wrong for me. I might decide that I don’t want to take the pain anymore. Sometimes, I think I probably wouldn’t even know what caused it. But something would happen, that one thing that’d stop me in my tracks and wake me up to the fact that this is not the life I asked for. And I think I’d realize I’m tired of living a lie. I’m pretty sure nothing will feel okay when it happens.

Is this where I am now? I don’t know for sure but something doesn’t feel right.

2019 has been, for the most part, completely overwhelming. I can sense things actively getting worse and over the last few days I’ve reached the point where it feels like I could literally let everything around me fall down and dissolve into nothingness. It’s like I don’t care what happens. I don’t want to deal with anything that is going on in the present or think about the things that have happened in the past.

This is not usual for me. Things falling apart would normally send me spiraling into a panic. But I don’t care. And while it’s not an entirely comfortable feeling, I am not actively doing anything to stop it. It’s as though I’ve lost the will to even put in the effort to try to change the way it is.

I know I’m tired. And not just ‘take a nap and feel better‘ tired either. It’s more like an overwhelming, sustained sense of bone-deep exhaustion, feeling like my eyes are hanging out of my skull and having every ounce of energy sapped from my body tired. I don’t think I’ve slept properly in months. I am relentlessly tired.

I think it’s more than being tired though. Something feels wrong, but I neither have the words nor the energy to describe what it is. And that in itself is quite frustrating. I don’t do well with most feelings, but frustration is on the top of my list of things I absolutely hate to deal with. I shut down, escape to my own world and enter a state of self-preservation. But even doing that doesn’t seem to be able to ease the discomfort of everything that is happening.

There is a deep underlying desire to escape but I have no idea where to, or for what reason. Something is driving me to be somewhere else. I just need to leave, longing for something other than where I am.

I long to feel anything that is something more than what I feel right now.

One thought on “having enough

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