sometimes you need to sit back and let things fall into place

Is it just me or do some people simply need to learn things the hard way?

M came to my house this weekend. I wasn’t really expecting it, as he wasn’t supposed to come to my place until next weekend, but he came. I was a ball of nerves all day Thursday and Friday hoping the weekend would go well.

Friday was good. Saturday was good. Sunday started off okay, but then by midday, I’d had enough. The attitude and aggressiveness and typical M behaviour started. My mom was on edge, C was on edge and I could feel the anxiety of the situation rising. M wanted to go back to dad’s but they had something to do, so he had to stay with me until this morning. I hate walking on eggshells. I hate having to remind him time and time again that the behaviour will not be tolerated. I hate feeling like a prisoner when my son is around. When C finally looked at me and said ‘I can’t wait for tomorrow Momma when things go back to normal and that psycho is out of the house‘, I knew that something had to give or we would reach our breaking point.

I texted M’s dad and told him I’d had enough. I basically stated that I’m tired of his attitude and being constantly surrounded by the craziness of the situation. I told him that I don’t enjoy being around my son. Instead of being sarcastic as usual, it seemed like dad is finally starting to get it.

We are entering into our third week of M living with dad. The honeymoon phase has long passed and like I expected (but sincerely hoped wouldn’t happen) it didn’t quite work the way dad thought it would. M doesn’t want to go to school, he’s being defiant and refusing to listen, he’s having major outbursts and scaring his little sisters. He’s giving dad and his stepmom just a tiny glimpse into my world for the past few years.

I told my ex that M was out of control. I told him–numerous times–that there was something wrong with him and that he needed help that is beyond what either of us are qualified to do. But, he refused to believe me. Instead, I got the ‘well, he doesn’t act that way at my house‘; the ‘you need to be tougher on him‘; the ‘let me take him for awhile and I’ll put him in his place’; and ‘let’s play it by ear‘ comments.

I’m trying not to judge. I’m trying to avoid the ‘I told you so’s‘ and the ‘I told you I wasn’t crazy‘ comments. While I’d like to jump up and down and scream ‘I knew this would happen‘, I won’t.

Surprisingly, the knowledge that dad just might be starting to get it brings some comfort to the situation. After being told time and time again that it was my fault and that I was doing it all wrong, knowing that he is acting the same way at dad’s relieves a bit of the guilt I’ve been feeling. I can let go of the questions of whether I have failed my son or if I have done something to make him the way that he is.

Dad agreed that M can see the play therapist. He wants M to change schools but I told him that even if I agree, it won’t make the behaviours go away. Dad seems to think it will help, but I think he’s grasping at straws because he doesn’t know what else to do.

I talked to M about Sabrina and told him what she does. I told him he can talk about being angry, sad or even mad. I told him he could tell her whatever he wants. He looked at me and said ‘I hate my life‘. I told him he could tell her that too.

I feel sad and struggle with how everything is. I love my son but I’m scared for him. I’m scared for his future and what is happening in the present. I don’t think M does these things on purpose. I think that once the feelings start, he has no way to control them and they escalate to a point where nobody is safe. He’s just a little boy with big feelings. It’s not right for an almost 10 year old to feel so angry all the time. At least I don’t think so.

So things are moving–slowly–but they’re moving. It feels like they’re finally moving in the right direction.

I guess sometimes, no matter how hard it is and no matter how much you want things to change, I think you need to sit back and just let things fall into place. That’s what I finally did with M and his dad. I’m sad that things had to get to this point, but maybe it’s what needed to happen.

M sees Sabrina next Monday. I hope it helps and that he can be happy again. He has so much time left in his life that to continue on the path that he is, just feel heartbreaking. I want him to be happy and healthy and whole. I want him to do so much with this wild and wonderful life that he has.

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