the maybes and the I don’t knows

What would you like to talk about today? We have the e-mail or the writing from the last session. Do you want to talk about those? T inquired yesterday.

Can I have some paper please?

There are a lot of things we can talk about.
The I don’t knows
The maybes

I think the maybes are easier.
But I don’t know.

Maybe I am afraid
Of what? you might ask.

Maybe I am afraid that I am not strong enough to do this. That I’ve come as far as I can and it is what it is.

Maybe I am afraid about what will happen on Wednesday. Maybe it will change everything. What will that mean for me? For them? Maybe nothing will be known and nothing will change at all.

I don’t know.

Maybe I am afraid that I will go away and it will be too long. Maybe I will be too far for too long. Maybe it feels like you won’t be there when I come back. You can’t wait forever. Maybe you will be tired….like me…and you will have decided to take a different path.

But I don’t know.

Maybe you feel too far away lately. Maybe I need you closer, but I don’t know how to make that happen. It doesn’t feel right to ask. Maybe it causes a feeling…I don’t know what the right word is…shame maybe.

But I don’t know.

Maybe that’s what it’s all about. The shame. It’s there all the time. Punishing. Isolating. Maybe that’s what it’s been about all this time.

Maybe that’s part of the answer.

But I don’t know…..

The shame does not belong to you. It never did. Don’t worry, I am not tired. I am here and I am not going anywhere.

3 thoughts on “the maybes and the I don’t knows

  1. I know about that shame. Shame surrounding my feelings. Shame surrounding my needs. It makes me want to hide and escape the world. To escape the people who want to help. Remember though, for every time you think maybe the shame is valid and will be there forever, there is someone else who can tell you that maybe it’s not and maybe it won’t. Sending hugs. x

    Liked by 1 person

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