a diagnosis

she
has
been though
hell.
so believe me when
i say,
fear her when she looks
into a fire and smiles.
-e.corona

I saw the internist/rheumatologist this morning and she gave me a diagnosis.

I have lupus.

Every time I say it, I feel like I’m telling someone I have a cold or something. I don’t know tons about it but what I do know is that it is a chronic autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. This results in symptoms such as inflammation, swelling, and damage to joints, skin, kidneys, blood, the heart, and lungs.

Sounds fabulous, doesn’t it?

I’ve been prescribed Plaquenil. It was originally used as an antimalarial drug but it is also a disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drug (DMARD) and is used to to treat certain autoimmune diseases, like lupus, when other medications have not worked or cannot be used. We’re going to try it for 6 months and see what happens.

Part of me doesn’t know what to say or how to feel about it all. Part of me is absolutely pissed.

I think it’s all rather unfair when it comes down to it. It’s shit really. I thought I’d been given enough of those ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger‘ examples in life. I thought I’d finally hit the peak and was on my way down the other side. Now it feels like I have a lot more climbing to do and I just don’t know what to do about it all.

Part of me also feels like I shouldn’t complain. It’s not like I’m going to die or anything. Not in the immediate future anyways. We all die at some point, right? Maybe I’ve just been moved ahead a few spaces. But at least I’m not at the front of the line.

But fuck! Like really?!?! There wasn’t someone else more deserving than me? Someone else who should have to go through this?

I know a few people who could, and maybe should, trade shoes with me. But those people don’t have bad things happen to them. They get to live their lives and do what they want and not have to suffer through anything. They don’t even feel bad for anything that they’ve done.

I do get to see T today. I’m not really looking forward to filling him in on this latest development. I’m sure he’ll have lots of questions that I can’t answer which will make me feel more frustrated by it all.

Oh well. We’ll see what happens as the day progresses. I think I need some Tylenol as my head is about to explode.

11 thoughts on “a diagnosis

  1. Oh! That’s awful! I am so sorry! I don’t know much about it, but it sounds horrible from your description! And your right, what about all those bad people? Who never seem to have bad luck? They should have this disease, not you! ❤ love to you hun xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry Kerry, this is such a difficult diagnosis to take in and my heart really goes out to you. I hope T was able to offer some support. Thinking of you and sending loads of love 💕

    Liked by 1 person

      • I am doing a bit better today thanks. Though I’ve seen my GP this morning because of a butterfly rash on my face and he is doing blood test for… lupus. He doesn’t think it’s that, but because of my other symptoms wants to check. So I don’t know what you are going through with having the diagnosis, but I am able to empathise with that fear of the unknown because of the diagnosis. I really hope you are feeling able to lean in to T’s support as you come to terms with this xxx

        Like

      • Oh no C!
        I really hope things turn out okay for you and it’s not lupus but something that’s easily taken care of.
        I’m here for you if you have any questions–although I’m sure it’s hard to even think about it–or just to listen.

        Like

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