so believe me when
fear her when she looks
into a fire and smiles.
I saw the internist/rheumatologist this morning and she gave me a diagnosis.
I have lupus.
Every time I say it, I feel like I’m telling someone I have a cold or something. I don’t know tons about it but what I do know is that it is a chronic autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. This results in symptoms such as inflammation, swelling, and damage to joints, skin, kidneys, blood, the heart, and lungs.
Sounds fabulous, doesn’t it?
I’ve been prescribed Plaquenil. It was originally used as an antimalarial drug but it is also a disease-modifying anti-rheumatic drug (DMARD) and is used to to treat certain autoimmune diseases, like lupus, when other medications have not worked or cannot be used. We’re going to try it for 6 months and see what happens.
Part of me doesn’t know what to say or how to feel about it all. Part of me is absolutely pissed.
I think it’s all rather unfair when it comes down to it. It’s shit really. I thought I’d been given enough of those ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger‘ examples in life. I thought I’d finally hit the peak and was on my way down the other side. Now it feels like I have a lot more climbing to do and I just don’t know what to do about it all.
Part of me also feels like I shouldn’t complain. It’s not like I’m going to die or anything. Not in the immediate future anyways. We all die at some point, right? Maybe I’ve just been moved ahead a few spaces. But at least I’m not at the front of the line.
But fuck! Like really?!?! There wasn’t someone else more deserving than me? Someone else who should have to go through this?
I know a few people who could, and maybe should, trade shoes with me. But those people don’t have bad things happen to them. They get to live their lives and do what they want and not have to suffer through anything. They don’t even feel bad for anything that they’ve done.
I do get to see T today. I’m not really looking forward to filling him in on this latest development. I’m sure he’ll have lots of questions that I can’t answer which will make me feel more frustrated by it all.
Oh well. We’ll see what happens as the day progresses. I think I need some Tylenol as my head is about to explode.