truth

Three things cannot be long hidden:
The sun, the moon and the truth.

-Buddha

Growing up I was told I shouldn’t lie because if I did, my punishment would be worse than the lie. I was also told that it was unacceptable to question anyone older than me, for they were always right and I would always be wrong. I was stuck. My words, although truthful, would have been perceived as lies and I would have been seen as defiant. I would have been blamed and punished for speaking the truth. Truth or lies–neither was okay. So I sat in silence for years because if I could not speak my truth, there was no point in speaking at all.

I tried running away from my life. I tried telling myself I was okay. I tried believing that I was mistaken and my life really wasn’t that awful growing up. I tried to convince myself that I was worthy and wanted and loved. But I still couldn’t speak my truth.

No matter what I did, something kept bringing me back to the same place. So in my mind that meant I was in the place where I was meant to be. I’d think about truth and there were always two sides to my story. Theirs and mine. If their words were truthful, that meant mine were lies. If they did nothing wrong that meant I must have been to blame. They told me they wouldn’t lie and it wasn’t their fault. So, what did that mean? Which side was it? Mine or theirs? Me or them? I didn’t understand because both could not be right.

Splitting their story from mine, allowing myself to be free of their lies and blame and seeing the truth that none of what happened was because of me has been my lifelong struggle.

I feel as though I am on a path untraveled. It’s not straight or flat or easy. There are rocks and rivers and mountains to climb. At night there are storms and monsters and nightmares. I am learning a new way of thinking and feeling and it’s so incredibly difficult that I often wonder if it’s going to be worth it in the end. Sometimes I move too quickly and when I turn around I am all alone, so I am learning that I have to wait and let those who can help me to catch up. Sometimes I come to a canyon that seems impassable and I just want to jump off the edge and let it be over with. Sometimes I stumble and fall backwards again.

The truth reveals itself, and is difficult to keep hidden (intentionally or otherwise) forever.  When the sun is obscured by clouds, it is still there. When the moon is new, it is still there. Though our rambling, meandering thoughts obscure our awareness, the truth is still there. It is not hiding, though we tend to try our hardest to hide it.

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