change…it’s slow and hard work

Everything feels forced. Thoughts. Feelings. Life in general, I suppose. I don’t want to be around anyone or anything. Don’t feel much like talking either. I don’t even know what I’m going to post about because things are rapidly shifting inside and I can’t seem to focus on any one thing.

I broke down and sent T a text. I feel like a failure. I made it 16 days without any contact but couldn’t last another two. I hoped this break would be different but it’s just too long for me. Everything feels too hard to deal with on my own. I wonder when, or even if, it will ever feel different from the way it feels now.

I went away with the boys for a few days last week. We did some fun things but when you’re from a small city in Northern Ontario with trees and lakes for swimming and go on vacation to a large metropolis like Toronto, it can be a bit overwhelming. It was hot, there were people everywhere–people who do not respect individual space whatsoever–and we spent time with my brother. Maybe that’s what it is that has me out of sorts–spending time with him so soon after writing about the things that happened in my life with him.

Nothing spectacular happened when we were there. We talked–all superficially of course–but there wasn’t any disgreements between us. His wife was okay too–none of her usual hostility. I guess, from the outside, it would have seemed like a good visit but I felt like a phony. I was pretending to be happy and have a good time even though all the while I just wanted to come home. I barely slept–a combination of the heat and being in the same house with him at night–so I resorted to Gravol to calm my nerves.

Now that we are back I’m realizing that some things have been changing but I need more than what is happening. I need a lot more to change. From my family. From where I live. From almost everything.

My aunt is talking about moving away. I think it’s a good thing. With her and my uncle gone, it means none of my cousins who abused me will have any reason to come home again. Finally, I won’t have to worry about seeing them unless it’s for a family funeral. I do have two other aunts who live here, but I never see them or talk to them, so it’s almost like they aren’t even here. Finally, I might get a bit of freedom from my father’s family.

I will eventually move from the house I live in now too. It feels like a bad house–too many memories and not enough distance from my past. I don’t think it will happen as quickly as I’d like though. I refuse to move out of our school district so I might have to wait until my tiny one can transition to an early high school program.

The one good thing–at least for the time being–is that my mother has been leaving me alone. I don’t know if it’s because her two sisters have been to visit and brought up some of her own shit or because my brother and his family are coming to visit at the end of August, but she’s at least found some other things to focus on.

I don’t know why things have to feel so hard sometimes. I don’t know why life needs to be such a struggle. I wish it was easier to change the way that I am and the way that I feel. I wish I could be better at dealing with my past and things that feel as though they should be simple–like therapy breaks and going on vacation.

I hope things change soon. They just have to.

11 thoughts on “change…it’s slow and hard work

  1. I am surprised as hell you have contact with your brother and other family members. That’ll suck the life outta yah alright! I hope you can find your feng shui soon though ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Me.
      I’d like to say it’s been easy to pretend everything has always been fine when it comes to my family, but it’s absolute torture most days.
      I question myself constantly about it all. I’m not sure how being in contact with them benefits me. Maybe it’s just more of the same situation of being the secret keeper who doesn’t rock the boat. I don’t even know if it is okay to talk with them. Is it weird? or wrong? I don’t know.
      I think in many ways, it’s fear that keeps me bound to them. Fear that I’ll end up utterly alone. Fear that I’ll be hated. Fear that others won’t understand my life or how things really were. Fear that I’ll ruin their lives, even though they might deserve it.
      It fucking sucks, that’s for sure. It sucks and it’s definitely something I need to do A LOT of work on. xx

      Liked by 2 people

      • I didn’t want to get into the ‘my experience’ scenario , again … but here goes lol … sorry … and if it’s too much, just delete it … I don’t mind 🙂

        I kept in contact initially because I was to small to disagree … then as I grew up I was to afraid too … he’s a violent mongrel … and I was afraid I’d hurt my family. In the end the decision to out his filthy deeds kinda got forced, but in a good way.
        I had dropped in on my grandparents and that asshole was there … at the time I was about 8 months pregnant with my youngest child. That mongrel had one of his violent outbursts and everyone around at the time, did what they always did … minimise, chastise, ignore … when I got in the car to leave, is sobbed all the way home (3 hours away). It all kinda became clear that there was no way in hell I was going to have my children near him at all.
        And there started the ‘outting’. And your right … it ruined everyones lives, hurt them, I ended up alone in some corner crying my eyes out … and I’m still working on some of those relationships, ones worth keeping. But I didn’t Cause any of that. He did when he chose to violate me.
        All contact with the pedo stopped when my grandparents passed away.
        What I came to learn though, was I didn’t ask for any of the treatment I got. And I still had to deal with it. If playing pretend sucked the life out of me then outting him and the deficiencies in our family couldn’t be any worse than I had already endured.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for sharing. Thank you for understanding how hard it is, to cut ties with even monsters.
        I’m sorry things were so hard for you. I’m sorry some people chose not to stay on your side.
        I think, like you with your grandparents, once my mother is no longer here, I will have absolutely no problem leaving them all behind. I still, for whatever reason, feel like I need to protect her from something.
        I hope one day it’ll be so much different than it is now. I know it won’t be easy, but you give me hope that it is possible.

        Liked by 1 person

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