Would a letter hold the key?

Key #7

Todd Bonita

I’ve been thinking about doing something for a while now, but things just feel a little too overwhelming at the moment. I know I need to get to a point where things feel a little bit settled before deciding whether or not I will move forward with my plan, but it’s still been milling around in my head regardless of everything else.

I feel like I need answers to the questions that sit just below the surface and threaten to drag me under. I feel alone with all that has transpired in my world. I often wonder if I’m crazy for feeling the way that I feel. I’ve been told that the feelings are proof that things happened early on but the response does not console me.

The things that I remember feel like they are intensifying. Every day, they pull me further away from today and closer to my past, when it felt like nothing belonged to me and everything felt out of control. Every day, the memories pull me closer to the end. I currently feel like I am at the point where I have pushed past my limits and live in a constant state of fight or flight. I can feel the collapse on the horizon.

I am stuck inside my past—not just one part of it, but all of it at once. The inner dialogue is persistent. Should I write or should I not? Would it help or make it all worse? I don’t know what the answers would be. In some ways it feels like there is something that needs to be discovered.

I’ve been thinking about writing a letter to my brother. I’ve never been very good at asking for help, but that is what I’d like to ask of him. I understand that it may be difficult for him and I do understand that I need to prepare myself in the event that he may not even want to answer the things that I ask. That is his choice and I will try my very best to respect whatever his decision may be. But, maybe he will have some of the answers that I feel like I desperately need. I don’t know how much he remembers either–maybe he chooses to forget as well. There is part of me that feels like we didn’t stand a chance. We really didn’t. I feel like we were born into a completely dysfunctional family. That is how I remember it anyways.

There is a lot of planning and thinking and writing to do if I were to send him a letter. I would risk him sharing it with his wife, but I would hope he wouldn’t. I would risk him sharing it with our mother and that may create a giant rift in my life. He may also never speak to me again as well.

I must decide if I am willing and able to deal with any negative outcomes because they are a real possibility. I don’t honestly think that him not responding, or being angry at me or having him tell people I don’t want him to tell what I have to say would make things any worse than they are now. I find it hard to think of anything that could make me feel any worse than I feel right now. I need to be completely sure though, that I can live with the cost of a negative answers, should I get them.

It wouldn’t be a letter of blame. I am not on a witch hunt. I am not out to persecute and destroy anyone in this process. I don’t want to pick a fight with him. I don’t want to ruin his life or career. I’m not out for revenge. At the moment, I don’t even want to talk about the things that happened between him and I. I want to talk about our childhood, the events at the hands of our family members and our parents. Maybe one day we can talk about what happened between him and I, but it isn’t the right time. Whatever information he will or won’t share with me will stay between him and I. Well, and probably my T if I am being completely honest (he knows I’ve thought about writing a letter).

I feel very alone in this world. I feel incomplete, as though there are pieces of me that are missing and I don’t know how to find them. The questions that I have, I can’t ask my father and I don’t feel confident that my mother can give me the answers that I seek. So that only leaves him to help me fill in the blanks. Sometimes, it leaves me feeling like I have no family at all.

A part of me worries that the things that I question won’t have answers. Maybe I am looking for impossible things. Another part of me worries that the way I remember things is wrong.

All I am sure of is that I just don’t want to feel the way that I feel anymore. My goal is to feel as whole as I possibly can.

I still have a lot to think about before I would move forward with it though.

Have any of you written letters to family members asking them about what they remember? Was it well received or not? Just curious if anyone else has done it and how it turned out for them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s