therapy woes–cancelling appointments


Sue Whitmore

Sometimes, the best thing for you is the very thing you’d do anything to avoid. That’s kind of the place I find myself in today.

I’ve decided to cancel my therapy appointment on Wednesday and am contemplating cancelling Friday as well. I e-mailed T to let him know and I know he’ll want to know why but truthfully I don’t really know what to say about it.

I’m not foolish enough to imagine for one second that cancelling sessions will be beneficial for me. It won’t work wonders for the lack of connection I feel. T is one of the only people who I feel comfortable being around right now and he understands what I’m going through but even that knowledge isn’t enough to make me want to see him.

I’m simply too overwhelmed with everything and I feel if I were to make any attempt to try to talk about it right now I just might end up suffocating. I find myself in a state of disconnect and cannot find the energy to fight my way back to the present. Thinking is painful and a part of me simply needs to be quiet right now.

This week is also the anniversary of my father’s death. It was anything but normal when he died and it’s something my family does not talk about so it’s another notch in the list of things I must deal with eventually. It always sends me into a bit of a negative place each year and I tend to avoid almost everyone for a few days. I can definitely feel it looming on the horizon and I’m trying to prepare myself as best as I can.

Work also feels just absolutely awful lately. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to keep up with anything and most days I just want to throw in the towel. T says that I should talk to my supervisor and ask for some help, but I don’t even know what I would say to him.

All of the young memories and feelings that have come up lately are making me feel incredibly vulnerable and alone and all I want is for T to make everything better. I know that isn’t the way things work, but that’s what I want. Part of me feels like if I can’t get what I want then why bother going at all. I know it’s childish but it’s how I feel.

I think it’s just too many feelings that are coming up lately and I simply don’t want to ‘go there’ whatsoever. I know that I’m chickening out and hiding from what is going to help me but it’s so hard to admit that I have ‘don’t go there’ sensitivities. Those sensitivities feel like they just expose my vulnerabilities for others to attack. I know T would never attack me or expose my sensitives (at least not intentionally) but I just don’t feel strong enough to chip away at anything this week.

Normally when I feel like this, I would still go and sit in the room with T and discuss the weather or cry in silence or say absolutely nothing and it would be fine, but even that doesn’t feel okay this week.

So, I’m not going to go Wednesday and we’ll see what Friday brings.

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