too exposed

I’m feeling tired lately. I find that when I’m tired, I also feel a bit sensitive to the things that are being said around me and about me. It feels like society has very little patience for expressing emotions and truth. This leads to invalidating experiences at every turn and when it happens I have a strong internal desire to pull myself away from everyone and everything and just be alone. I don’t necessarily think it is a good thing; it’s simply how it feels it should be.

I woke up this morning and decided to trash some of my blog posts. I’m feeling a bit too exposed at the moment. I can still see the posts and can always re-post them if/when I’m feeling a little braver and that’s what really matters. I haven’t yet reached the point where I think I should permanently delete them, so they aren’t gone completely.

I didn’t start my blog to make friends. I also didn’t start my blog to be judged by people I don’t even know. I knew it was a risk and the possibility always existed but I really don’t think I was prepared for it to happen. I didn’t think words from strangers could make me feel so terribly bad and worthless. I don’t need anyone else to make me feel bad about myself and the way that I feel—I can do that better than anyone.

Sometimes, people say things in order to hurt another person–that is their goal. Most of the time though, I don’t think (or at least hope) someone sets out to intentionally hurt other people with the words they choose to use. I think it’s often a case of saying something before really thinking about how it may impact the person they are saying it to.

I try really, really hard to be respectful of other people’s feelings. Most of the time, I’ll put others before myself even if it means causing myself more pain. It’s just the way I’ve always been. I’ve often thought that it would be nice to be a little more brave and actually say ‘hey, fuck you and your opinion’ but I just can’t do it. Instead, I’ll remove myself from the situation and avoid the conversation.

I don’t feel brave right now. I don’t feel safe to express what it is that I’m really feeling. I can’t say it is okay, because it really isn’t.