my dearest M, Happy Birthday

As I sit here on the eve of your 12th birthday I can’t believe how quickly time is slipping away from us. I’m not sure what to say this year other than something about you being gone always hurts. I miss you so much my brown-eyed beautiful boy.

It’s been 2 1/2 years since you’ve lived under this roof and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I haven’t seen you in over 2 months yet every time I do I am amazed by how much you’ve grown. I can’t help but wonder if it will always be this way–me seeing you grow up only in photographs. I get the odd updates from your step-mother, and I feel the sting in my eyes as I see your smile from behind the lens. Part of me is absolutely certain you call her mom.

I try to pick apart what went wrong M, but I just don’t know what it is. I’m not sure what I’ve done for you to feel the way that you do. I can’t help but wonder, but I know I will never have the answer and will simply drive myself mad if I spend too much time trying to figure it out. There is nothing in this entire world that will ever fill the space that is yours M, no matter what.

Whatever happens in this life M, I only want you to know that you and C are my greatest creations. I hope you have an amazing year. Happy birthday, my boy….xx

7 thoughts on “my dearest M, Happy Birthday

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