disappointments

Well, it’s been a minute since I’ve written on here. I’ve been reading others’ blogs but haven’t had the energy to write anything myself. Things have been….different. I’ve had some disappointments over the last month and a half and I’ve slowly been working through it all.

Firstly, I lost my obesity doctor. She decided to go back to working only in emergency medicine. The good thing is the process for having surgery has started so I’m now just waiting for my sleep clinic test and everything else will be good to go. Then it’ll be the dreaded wait to see if they approve me. My family doctor has been surprisingly good about it all and is actually being very helpful for once. I know, I’m shocked too.

Secondly, I’ve lost my psychiatrist. She took a job with the Ontario Medical Association and while I can’t fault her for wanting to better her career this one hurts a little bit. I’m mostly scared that my family doctor is going to retire soon and I’m going to be left with nobody. I dread the thought of having to go to a walk-in clinic to get my meds renewed. She said there is always the possibility she won’t like the job, or that it will be too hard on her family and she’ll come back. She said she’d keep my name on her list so that if she does come back she’ll for sure call me. I guess that helps to stem the thoughts of abandonment a little bit.

I had to drive past the hospital the other day and for a minute I seriously thought about dropping in and staying for awhile. Thankfully that thought passed quickly and I came to my senses. It was actually a bit surprising, that feeling, because things honestly don’t feel all that bad. Or maybe they do and I’m just pretending again that everything is okay.

I haven’t heard from M since he showed up at my house. I’ve texted him a couple of times but they always go unanswered. I actually sent a message this past weekend and I got a message back that it had failed. So he’s either gone and blocked me or they’ve cancelled his phone. I dread asking because if it’s the former, well, that’s going to hurt a little bit more.

Therapy is okay, I guess. Sometimes, I just get tired of the fact that I still go. We’ve been talking a lot about separations and my feelings surrounding them so it hasn’t been the easiest of conversations. Do you ever just get the feeling that you want to crawl inside of yourself and disappear forever? That’s sort of how things feel lately. I don’t know really, but mostly I simply want to be quiet and left to my own devices. Sometimes it just feels like the easiest thing to do.

I’m sure there’s oodles more to write about but I don’t much feel like doing it at the moment. So I will leave it here and we’ll save the rest for another day.

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