a complicated death

My aunt, the one whose house I went to all those years ago, passed away late Wednesday. To say my feelings about the matter are complicated would be an understatement. I’m trying my best to keep busy so that my mind can focus on other things–things that don’t remind me of what was all those years ago when everything was going wrong.

Part of me is sad–she was after all the person I spent most of my formative years with when my mother couldn’t handle it. Part of me is angry–her death feels like an easy way out of the mess that is my father’s family. Part of me feels nothing at all–it’s just another day in another month of another year.

They aren’t going to be doing a formal funeral which I am grateful for. Instead she will be cremated and they are going to do a celebration of life in my cousin’s home town in late August. I won’t be able to make it because I’ve only just started a new job and with it being 8 hours away the expectation of me having to travel isn’t really there. So far what we’ve been told is that when my uncle passes they will both be brought to my town to be buried but who knows how long that will be. It doesn’t really feel all that important anymore.

Death is such a strange thing and everyone seems to have some preconceived notion of how you should and shouldn’t act. I emailed T to let him know as we’d talked about the possibility of her dying a few short weeks ago and his response was spot on…’yes, it is complicated. And your feelings will be complicated too‘.

That sounds about right…