turn back the clock

I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t want to fight with anyone. I just want things to be calm and quiet. I want to hide from everything and everyone. I don’t want things to be this way.

I got a call from outpatient mental health services yesterday. The referral my psychiatrist put in for me back in September has finally come through. I have my first meeting with Michelle on February 4th. I’m a little nervous because I’m not sure what she’s going to want to know. I’ve never had DBT before but my psychiatrist says that everyone should have it at least once in their lifetime. So we’ll see what happens with that.

I also had a meeting with my boss yesterday. The mean, degrading one I’ve had for the last couple of years has gone on assignment for a year and I am now back with my previous boss which helps to settle my nerves at work. The mean boss is being investigated for harassment and somehow I’ve found myself involved as a witness. Earlier in December she brought up the harassment case at a bilateral meeting and I felt intimidated, like I shouldn’t say anything when the investigator called me. I was nervous for the meeting with the investigator but I tried to be brave and told him about the December meeting. The investigator said that it wasn’t okay for her to have done that to me and that if I felt like it I should report it to the senior building officer (who just happens to be my temporary boss), so I did. He wasn’t impressed when I told him and is now going to report her to Values and Ethics. I’m not sure what happens next but I’d sort of reached the point where I was tired of being stuck in the middle of everyone else’s shitty behaviour. Part of me is nervous but I know I haven’t done anything wrong and she’s the one who needs to learn that she can’t treat people poorly by degrading and intimidating them.

GoodTherapy | The Basics of Bullying and How to Stop It

T and I discussed the message from M yesterday. T says it’s good that I didn’t engage because we both think it would just make things worse. T says I have enough leverage with the recorded phone call to put in a report to CAS on ex husband and his wife because it’s a form of child abuse. I’m not sure if I will or not. I just don’t see that solving anything. It’s not like M would want to come and live with me and if they forced him to it feels like life would just get worse. I just find the whole situation to be depressing and overwhelming. Ex and his wife have destroyed that child all because they have something against me. The experience of being targeted by your co-parent is upsetting. But to be rejected and hated by your own child, feeling and watching them slip away, and fearing that you’ll never see them again, is like witnessing that child slowly disappear.

Narcissists Don't Co-Parent They Counter-Parent They Don't Care About the  Collateral Emotional Damage Done to the Children as Long as It Hurts the  Other Parent | Children Meme on ME.ME

I often find myself feeling disappointed with the way I handle things. I wish it would be easier for me to cope when I am feeling overwhelmed. I thought by now things would be different. I know that a lot has happened in my life but I really want to feel like I can do better without having to need reassurance from other people, particularly T. I still lose him between sessions sometimes. It still feels like he’s gone and disappeared on me. I often feel like I’ve somehow made him angry for being too needy and demanding of his time. He says I’m the least neediest person but I find it hard to convince myself that it’s true. I sometimes wish he wasn’t so important to me, so that it wouldn’t matter if he actually did up and disappear on me.

I want to turn back the clock. To make things go back to a time before all of those awful things happened. But I know that’s just naïve. It’s just not the way that life happens. The world is moving…always moving whether you want it to or not. And sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s sad. For so long I’ve been stuck in a cave. A deep dark cave. And I don’t know how to find my way out.

3 thoughts on “turn back the clock

  1. Well done you for not engaging, anyone would have found that situation impossibly difficult. The only thing I wonder about what T said to you about reporting it, is whether it may make them realise they can’t get away with continuing to do this? I know it wouldn’t take away what’s been done but it might make them temper their toxic antics if they feel they’re being watched? It might not… narcissistically tend to think they’re above all rules, don’t they. But I also wonder if it might demonstrate to the poor child caught in the middle of all of this, that you cared enough to respond but you modelled the balanced, adult behaviour whereas they do not. Even if M still chooses to reject you, he may see you’ve been the bigger person in this episode? It’s just a thought. If you choose to do nothing I’d really understand that too. I’m so sorry you’ve had to contend with this 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks LS. They’ve been reported a couple of times already and all it did was add fuel to the fire against me so I’m quite hesitant to do it. I’m tempted to let it go for now but if it happens again I will definitely have to take further action. It’s such a crappy place to be in…

      Liked by 2 people

      • It is… it’s awful. It does sound like it didn’t work to report them, they must feel they’re above the law and can do what they want. I hate that there seems no justice but there will be one day, I am sure of that. It doesn’t make it any easier to endure right now though. Such heartfelt sadness to you for the pain this causes. I wish you so much strength and healing ♥️🤗

        Liked by 2 people

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