the blahs and feeling judged

Every once in awhile it feels like everything is going spectacularly to shit and there’s nothing I can do to stop it from happening.

I’m stuck in a deep, dark, blah. Everything feels like it’s a struggle–work, mothering, life–and I feel like I’m failing at it all. It’s not even because of this stupid pandemic because I don’t even miss being around anyone at the moment. Actually, I prefer not to be around anyone, even my own family.

Woke up tired and empty today like the day before and the one before that. I’d like to run away from everything. In many ways it feels like I’m just existing and that’s no way to live life. I feel annoyed that things are this way. I need to figure out a way for things to be better.

Things at home are status quo I suppose….

“I bet he has to go home at night and take a tranquilizer after dealing with you”. Another spectacular statement from my mother regarding the fact that I’m in therapy and she doesn’t like it. I’d often like to thank her for her invalidating comments and for reaffirming my thoughts that I am too much for other people…sigh. Sometimes her statements leave me feeling like a broken person who nobody could ever love. I don’t know if she’s trying to be funny or if it’s an awkwardness that she just doesn’t understand about herself. I don’t even know what to say about it. Is it even worth talking about? What’s it going to solve anyways?

C went back to school yesterday. He’s been doing online learning since early December and I was literally ready to just throw in the towel. There just didn’t seem to be enough time to help him plus get my own work done. I know it wasn’t his fault but it felt like everything that went on just grated on my nerves. So, while the Omicron variant is still running rampant I decided sending him back to school was the best choice for his mental health and my own. That was until yesterday morning when I got a text message from ex’s wife–you know her, the mother of the year–questioning whether or not I sent C back to school. I told her I did and asked if she did the same and she said no, she was waiting to see what’s going to happen. And that was the end of the message. I felt judged. I questioned my decision. I wondered why she even cared. It’s not like they’ve even reached out to C since Christmas. I still don’t know why it matters so much to me what they say. Like seriously, why do I even care? She has the ability to get under my skin so easily. She always has. Yet really there’s no need for it at all. I owe her nothing. I’ve done nothing to her–not now, not ever. And if the text message wasn’t enough I had a dream the other night that they were taking me to court for child support. I wish they’d just live their lives and leave me to live mine. Like seriously, they need to go the f*$k away.

Work is insanely busy. I’m still trying to figure out if I want to take some time off but there just doesn’t seem to be any breathing room to do so. I’m involved in a harassment claim as a witness and I have my meeting with the investigator on Friday morning. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. It’s my friend who filed the complaint and it’s against my boss…the one who asked me in a meeting ‘so, what else do you do around her besides count Band-Aids’. Yep, no lie, she asked me that in front of other staff members. She’s literally the worst person on the planet and has given my friend such a hard time. I’m feeling nervous about the meeting on Friday though, because in early December I had a meeting with her and she brought up the harassment claim, told me all about it and then told me I’m not allowed to talk about it with anyone. I literally felt like she was warning me not to say anything about anything. I spent Sunday making notes and have three pages. She told me she keeps all of her emails unlike most people, but I have dates and examples as well. Personally, I hope she roasts over it.

I’m trying not to sweat over everything but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed these days. I think my January wall calendar sums up things perfectly, don’t you?