a New Year

I’m not sure where to start or what to say. Does that mean that the words swirling around my brain serve no purpose? I’m not sure. Nothing stands out for me that might have happened since my last post but for some reason I can feel myself curling into a little cocoon, sheltering me away from the outside world and those who inhabit it.

We are in another lockdown for at least 21 days. I’ve come to realize that I rather enjoy my own company and other than homeschooling, the lockdowns that we’ve been enduring are not all that stressful to me. I think they must be some reminder of how things were for me as a child-living quiet and alone–left to figure out ways to cope with the chaos that was always around me. I can go for days without talking to people and I don’t miss it at all. I find being around people, trying to form some sort of conversation, a bit overwhelming to be honest. My mind does not want to work the way it’s supposed to most days so it’s easier to just let things be rather than forcing myself to try to fit in.

Things with my mother had been rather quiet lately. The other day she told me that she doesn’t understand how I keep everything to myself all the time. She thought it strange that I didn’t talk to people–her specifically–about things. I do talk to other people, she just doesn’t know about it–or doesn’t want to know about it. Like always, I had nothing of importance to contribute so I remained silenced. When she realized I had nothing to say, she announced rather quickly ‘I bet your therapist needs to take a tranquilizer when he gets home after a session with you’. Hmmm, now what does one say to that comment? Thank you mother for once again reaffirming my thoughts that I am too much for other people. The validation from her is stupendous.

I’m still rather bothered from the events of Christmas and am trying to wrap my head around the fact that some people can be so incredibly shitty. C hasn’t mentioned anything about how it was for him so I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. C also hasn’t heard a word from his father since Christmas Day, not even a quick Happy New Year phone call. I’ve decided this year that I’m going to try my hardest to accept that none of this is my problem. I’m not the one who chooses not to have a relationship with my child and I’m not the one who’s missing out on knowing and loving a really great kid. I’m also going to try my best to work on my thoughts and feelings about M. I don’t know what has happened to cause our relationship to be the way that it is, but I’m slowly coming to realize that there’s really nothing I can do about it unless he wants to communicate with me. I simply can’t force the situation.

Therapy is therapy. T and I just had a 12 day break because his wife was considered a close contact. Thankfully, none of them ended up with COVID and we’re back to meeting twice a week. I found the break hard. Part of it was not knowing if he would get sick and part of it was the same as always–feeling like he could care less about me and just stopped existing. I found it quite frustrating to be honest. It’s one of those things were you wish a break would be different for just once. I wasn’t all too surprised that it happened though as in the weeks up to Christmas I was finding the weekends harder and harder. One thing I’ve noticed is that I no longer blow up his phone or email. It’s quite the opposite really, in that I am now more likely to withdraw back into myself and bide the time as best as possible. I’m not sure why I feel like I am so demanding and needy of his time and energy. But let’s be honest here and admit that at times I can be what feels like a total nightmare for him.

Yesterday, we spent part of the session talking about how I wished he would share in my feelings about myself. How I wished he would reflect back to me just how awful and needy I really am. He tried to explain to me that it was just the opposite. It’s such a hard place to be in, isn’t it, with someone telling you how wrong the people in your life were. I sometimes wonder if I will ever see things the way T does. Sometimes I think I do, but those old doubts always come back in the end.

I also just had another appointment with my psychiatrist. I never know what to say to her but I feel like not much is shifting anymore. It’s almost like I live in a very blah world. We talked about whether we would change my meds or wait a bit longer. I decided to wait a bit since I never do well with med changes and am not in the mood to try to make my way through it now.

Work is still quite busy as I’m considered critical staff. My boss has gone on leave for a year and I couldn’t be happier about that. She’s a bit of a control freak and can be very demeaning to her staff. In 17 years at my current position I have never been made to feel as incompetent as I have while working under her. So for now, until they can find a replacement, I am going back to my old boss which feels much better for my mental health workwise.

I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions because I feel like I’m setting myself up for failure. I guess I just want to work on being me. Finding a me that doesn’t feel so sad all the time. Finding a me that can see the good in the world. Finding a me that can be at peace with herself and the world around her. That can’t be so hard, right?