Christmas conversations

Conversations about Christmas with the ex’s wife. I need to communicate with her because my ex won’t talk to me and I’m not privy to M’s cell number.

Me: does M want to come to dinner on Thursday?

Her: probably not…he has no interest

Me: okay, thanks anyways

Her: it would be nice for C to come in and open gifts or come for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day for a bit but last time it really upset M unfortunately and I don’t want a war at Christmas..

Me: okay, just let me know

Does this conversation sound strange to anyone else? Is it just me or are they now trying to blame C for M’s shitty behaviour? Or at least condoning M’s behaviour?

I just feel bad for C. He never sees his father anymore and when he does he gets blamed for whatever happens. I sometimes wonder how they can’t see things for what they are. Like how can you blame a 9 year old for the behaviour of everyone else? C already thinks that his brother hates him and now this crap is happening.

Last night I sat down and talked with C. I told him that he might not see his dad at Christmas. He seemed sad and that broke my heart. I told him M wasn’t coming to visit and he said to me ‘that’s because M hates you’. Ouch!

Last night after C went to bed, I sat in the basement by the fire and thought about everything. I still feel like a bad mother. Things can be going fine for awhile and then one set of text messages can send me down the rabbit hole.

I’ve been trying to protect myself and hold on at the same time–that’s the mind at war with the heart. I’m bad at complicated things but in the end I’d rather be able to say I loved too much than not enough. And though I’ve seen all of this coming, it still hurts.