to therapy or not

I’m not entirely sure I want to go to therapy today. T was sick on Wednesday so we missed that session and I actually felt okay about it all (not that he was sick, just that we didn’t have to talk about last Friday). I guess I’m just worried it’s going to be more of the same–me not easily finding the words and him getting frustrated by it. Now don’t get me wrong, T will eventually just meet me where I am, but I still feel like I should be doing better.

Why does everything need to feel so hard? I wish it was easier but this is the way that I am. It’s easy for me to hide things–and sometimes I think that’s the way it will always be. Maybe I’m just not meant to share the way life really is for me most of the time. Maybe I’m not meant to have this deep connection with another human being. Perhaps that ability was severed years ago when my mother left me to fend for myself.

I wish I could have faith like other people that things are going to turn out okay. It’s just so hard for me to believe that someone will actually do what they say they will. And I know it’s been a long time that I’ve been doing things this way, but I just don’t know. There’s obviously something wrong with my thought process that I just can’t seem to get it.

I don’t know what to do really. Go, and hope for things to get better or stay home and let them remain the same. It feels too late to cancel now without feeling obliged to pay for the session anyways. Maybe I will read T my last post and we’ll go from there. Ugh, it’s so hard when you constantly have the push-pull going on inside of you and decision-making feels like a mammoth task.

I’m ready for today to be over.

4 thoughts on “to therapy or not

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