ambiguity

I know nightmares are common in PTSD, but how do you know if what haunts you in your sleep is real or not? I always told myself that if it wasn’t something I’d remembered during the day then it wasn’t real. But the nightmare I had last week feels so real that I find it has the ability to consume my thoughts for hours at a time. And I’m not saying that makes it real, but it does make me question things.

Why now? Why did this nightmare happen now?

T said that getting to the truth is something we value, but sometimes it’s hard to know. In the meantime we try to accept ambiguity or not knowing and the main thing is that we can be restored to feeling comfortable and safe in the present.

Ambiguity feels like a funny thing. I’m not in the mood for solving puzzles. I find it quite annoying and wish the answer would just come out already. I am a person who likes to have all the details and prefers that a situation is black and white with no gray areas. I need the intricate details because change causes me to feel extremely stressed and anxious.

So what am I supposed to do?

In some ways it feels like I’m on the verge of having to make a very important decision. And the problem is that I have no idea what to do because I’m not entirely sure I even know what I’m supposed to be deciding. It’s such a confusing and overwhelming feeling and to try to explain it to someone else feels so hard because I don’t know what the right words are.

Even when they’re hundreds of kilometers away from me, they still have the ability to cause so much pain.

Sometimes it feels like I’m starting to fray at the edges. I’m worried that one day I will unravel completely and I live in fear that I’ll break once again, without warning.

6 thoughts on “ambiguity

  1. I can relate to this a lot. There are things I know I remember, and then there are fragments, dreams, implicit memories—and a lot of doubt. The doubt can be painful, and at times it has been outright debilitating.

    The thing I keep coming back to, when doubt gets noisy, is that even if I’m not sure exactly what all happened and who it happened with, I know I feel better if I trust that SOMETHING messed up happened and do the healing work.

    I still wish for clearer answers, but I don’t imagine they are coming. It’s hard to always be at peace with that, but I find that most if the time I can be. I hope you can find that peace too.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks Q. It definitely can be debilitating as you say. I like the way you think about it–that something happened–even if you aren’t totally sure of what that something is. I’m glad you can be at peace with the not knowing most of the time. Hopefully soon, I can feel that way too.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, they are so hard to deal with. The unknown is what I find the most difficult to deal with. Certain ones, I know they’re true because I have proof of it but the others make things so hard sometimes. xx

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Your nightmares, if not literal, will at least tap into the helpless feelings you felt. Your recent triggers brought up things you know to be true – and feelings that match these nightmares. Maybe they are fully true, maybe they are attempts at fleshing out the parts you remember. Maybe they are a memory you can only partially access right now and the ‘proof’ will come later. But, the feeling reflects how you really felt, then and now. And, as said above, such feelings are caused by *something.* So trust the feelings as you work through the specific reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

    • it’s such a tricky thing isn’t it, the way our minds unravel trauma. I agree that ‘something’ happened and I definitely need to learn to trust my feelings more

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s