not better

I’m trying to settle my nerves but haven’t been sleeping well at all since the visit on Saturday even though I take meds to help with it. I thought leaving them behind would change everything. Apparently not.

The drive to my Auntie’s was good except for the waves of panic that would suddenly envelop me without notice. I’ve experienced them before–the spine-tingling heat that washes over my body and makes me lose focus momentarily. Normally, I can handle them alright but when you’re travelling over 100 km/h, it’s quite an inconvenience.

Last night I had quite a disturbing nightmare. It’s not one I’ve ever had before and it was bad enough that it woke me out of a dead sleep at 3am. I’m trying to wrap my head around it today but I’m having a hard time with it. If what happened in the nightmare is true, then it changes so much more about my father’s side of the family.

I really wish I had T to talk to but he’s still on vacation I think and I already reached out to him once a few days ago. I am thinking if things don’t get better in the next little bit I might just have to reach out again, even if it’s to just make sure he’s still there.

Things so far are not working the way I thought they would and I’m quite exhausted from the whole experience. I guess distance doesn’t always make a difference to how things make you feel.

3 thoughts on “not better

  1. Hugs. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Having to be around people who enabled and covered up abuse is Hell. And, just making the (right and understandable) decision to cut them out won’t just solve everything. You deserve to grieve for what you needed from them, but never got.

    Liked by 2 people

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