letters not sent–one year later

Dear T,

Here I sit, one year later, in the exact same place where I told you I was never coming home again. So much has changed over the last year but parts of it remain exactly the same. Will there ever be a part of me that doesn’t want to die? It doesn’t matter what we do or say or how hard we try there is always something that pushes us to end our life. Most days, I’m not entirely sure what keeps my feet planted on this earth and today I can once again feel the pull to just get it over with.

I know you don’t like it when we talk about these things because you feel I have so much to live for and that my death would be devastating for everyone around me. I don’t feel that way, T. I’m sorry to disagree but it doesn’t feel like the way you describe it at all.

I thought about texting you today, but you’re on your holidays and I don’t want to bother you with my thoughts of darkness and destruction. So instead I will sit here on the shores of Lake Superior and allow myself to get lost in my thoughts for a little while.

Today, I can look back on your actions one year ago and not be angry at you. I know you were only doing what you thought was best (and ethically responsible from your end) and even though I wish you would have just let me go, you showed me that even you have limits to your steadfastness. I need those limits T because I can’t see it for myself when things are getting dangerous.

I’ve left them behind me T and it was my final goodbye to them. When I get back home they will be gone again and I don’t imagine they will return until they have died. I won’t weep for them T, not like in the past when they made me feel so ashamed and guilty for everything. I can’t anymore. They don’t deserve any part of my sadness. Not anymore. They won’t ever see the wrongs they have done T, so that means I need to move on and while I’m having a hard time with it, I’m trying my best to fight through all of it and keep on living.

We made a promise to you ‘just talking, no acting‘ and we want you to know that sometimes it’s really hard to keep that promise. We don’t want to hurt anyone T, we just want to be rid of all of the things that make us sad. It’s hard to see another way out of this, when it’s staring you right in the face day in and day out.

3 thoughts on “letters not sent–one year later

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