arrival

My aunt and uncle are arriving today. I woke up this morning and had the deepest sense of dread. I’ve been trying to get my work done, but my mind keeps drifting to thoughts of them. They feel too close. I don’t want them here.

Technically the house we live in belongs to my parents, so my mother tends to get the final say over certain things. So they’re going to be coming here on Saturday morning for a quick visit. I can’t believe after everything that’s happened and been divulged over the last few weeks that my mother is even remotely okay with it. I’m not okay with it at all and I feel I’ve made myself clear over the matter but it doesn’t really seem to make a difference. I know I’ll end up in survival mode and the visit will cause a lot of inner turmoil. I told my mother I may have something to do when they are here and she seemed to understand but personally, I don’t care what they think about it anymore.

As if that wasn’t bad enough T is now on vacation for the next few days. He said it’s not a problem to be in touch, but I don’t know. I just saw him two days ago so it feels too soon to be contacting him.

I don’t know what to do with myself at the moment. If I can’t find a way to concentrate on my work I’m going to fall even further behind and it’s something I’ve been struggling with already these last few weeks. I’m going to get so far behind that I’ll start missing important deadlines. And my boss is a total micro-manager, so she’ll get on my case about it all. I suppose I could throw in the towel and take some time off of work, but I always feel bad about that too because if I’m not working, there isn’t anybody who does my job while I’m away so I’ll end up coming back to an even bigger mess than what I’d be leaving behind.

I still find it amazing how easily the past can come about and slam you right through the ground. It’s been so long since the abuse happened but it doesn’t stop it from impacting my life at all. I’m counting the hours until I can escape to visit my Auntie up north. Until then, I’ll do whatever I can to deal with these awful feelings, survive their visit and then be done with them forever.

9 thoughts on “arrival

  1. Honestly? Can you just not be there? Yes, it’ll cause ramifications later. Yes, they’ll blame you. Yes, you’ll feel like too much. But…eff them. You deserve a safe space. If your space must become unsafe, then you at least deserve to have a ‘work emergency’ with an urgent deadline that requires you to go to the nearest coffee shop for.oh, conveniently the exact amount of time they will be there. At some point, you deserve to get to choose not to have to rip your own psyche apart for their moderate comfort. Or maybe you could just fake break-thru covid or something…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks love. It was basically a shit show. I lasted 30 minutes and then conveniently had to do something else. I’m gone now and they are left behind. I don’t care if I ever see them again.

      Liked by 1 person

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