letters not sent–stuck

Dear T,

I feel so sad today. It’s rainy and dark and I’m sitting here at my desk in the corner of my room where I’m supposed to be working but instead am wondering what I can do to make things feel better. I’ve been working really hard at holding things together between our therapy sessions, T. I haven’t emailed in over a month and I only text when I feel like I can’t contain myself anymore. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to be working this way, but sometimes the lack of communication makes me feel completely disconnected from you. I wonder what you think of how things have been lately. Does it make you happy or relieved that it appears I can hold things for days at a time now? Do you see this as progress maybe? I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t struggling still between sessions. I guess I just feel too tired to even let you know how things are going for me and that it doesn’t feel like I’m making progress at all, but rather going through backwards movement again.

I think we all go backwards sometimes though. I think it’s inevitable. We’ll be doing really well and then one day we just aren’t anymore and sometimes we can’t even explain why this happens. It feels like a normal part of life, it’s just that some people go further backwards than others and it takes a long time for them to start moving forward again. I feel like we are stuck in an in-between place right now T, and I don’t feel like we are moving at all. It’s not entirely uncomfortable but I feel like I’m spending a lot of time inside of myself.

I’ve been stuck before, but this time it feels different. I don’t know really what it is, but I’m sort of just letting it happen and not actively fighting against it. I don’t know if I should be trying harder, but I just don’t really feel like doing anything other than what I’m doing now.

I’m sort of dreading going to therapy tomorrow T. While I miss the connection and all that comes with it, therapy feels really hard right now. I find myself being really quiet again with not much to say. It’s not that I don’t have things to say, it’s just that I find it hard to say them. Sometimes you will still feel like a stranger to me and I won’t feel safe when we are together. Part of me knows you won’t do anything bad T, it’s just that the cautious, traumatized part of my brain doesn’t seem to see things the same way. When we get to these quiet therapy sessions, I start to feel like I’m wasting your time again and there’s no way I’d want to do that. I know you’re not in it for the money so it’s not that part of it. I guess I wonder sometimes why you’re still here and why you put up with me being the way that I am.

How do you feel about all of this T? Can you sense that I’m stuck again? I’m not sure what to ask for to help myself get unstuck, but if I could ask for something, I’m sure you would help me. Maybe you don’t see things this way. Maybe you think everything is fine and we’re doing well and moving forward. I still find it amazing how you and I can see things so differently sometimes.

I’m not sure what I want from these ‘letters not sent‘ that I’ve been writing lately T but sometimes they help me feel better and closer to you. Not always, but at least the thoughts and feelings that I’m carrying around are ending up somewhere.

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