letters not sent–rainy day blues

Dear T,

I feel awful and disconnected today. I don’t know what to do with myself to try to push away the sadness and discomfort that I’m feeling. My brain tells me it’s been mere hours since we’ve met but it feels like much more that that.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out why you’re so important to me. What is it that you provide that helps to keep us going? Why are you the one I want to reach out to when things feel so bad? It’s more than ‘missing’ you. I guess it’s more about feeling like ‘needing’ you to be here as we work through this day. I know you would say that you are always with us, but it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes there is just a disconnect and life becomes an ongoing struggle to find that connection again.

There are a lot of questions floating around my brain today and I don’t seem to be able to answer any of them. Why are the weekends so hard? Why is this time of year incredibly difficult? Why, after all of these years, does everything feel the same way so much of the time? Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I’m asking the wrong questions, like I’m missing some important piece of the puzzle. Do you think that’s what it is perhaps? We’re missing something?

I look to the sky and everything has turned to gray. It feels like this is it, standing in the pouring rain. We don’t even care as restless as we are. Why can’t we forget about the past? Here we stand, somewhere in between this moment and the end, screaming as loud as we can. We just can’t make things last. I’m falling again T, and we don’t know how to find our way out of this. It doesn’t matter now, whatever happens will be. The worst is over now, so we should be able to breathe again. There’s so much left to learn yet we feel like we are unable to move forward. You and me we’ve tried everything but still this life feels too hard.

I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this pain before. It’s the kind of pain you can’t ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else and makes the rest of the world fade away. Sometimes it has the ability to get you when you least expect it.

How did we end up here again?