letters not sent-losing game

Dear T,

It’s been over a week since we’ve communicated and today is the first day I feel like I really need you to be here. I guess my wish that we could get down to one session a week isn’t going to happen again this year. I know it probably doesn’t matter to you but it’s a goal I’d set for myself back in January and it feels like I’m going to fail. I hate failing T, especially when it comes to things like this.

I hope you had a good vacation, I really do, but it feels like it’s time for you to come back now. I’ve been over my vacation for awhile now (probably the moment it began truthfully) so the longing and neediness feel a bit more dire these last few days. What causes this to happen, I wonder? You’ll probably deduce it has something to do with my mother, but honestly, I feel a bit better about that situation–as in I don’t care to give a sweet crap about it anymore. It’s obvious she doesn’t want to ever talk about it, so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not something that’s important to her. And while that hurts, there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change that and so I won’t try anymore. If you wanted to, I suppose you could say I’m a quitter, but for the sake of my own mental health I really don’t know what else to do about it all.

It feels like I have a lot to tell you when we meet again, but I’m not sure where to start. Life is a struggle right now T, and I’m afraid of all that I am. I don’t know who or what I am trying to hide from but it isn’t a real life if all you do is spend it like you’re on the run. That’s what I do all the time. Run. From everything and everyone. I guess I still don’t know how to sit with any of my trauma and not feel like it’s going to consume me.

I’ve been thinking of my visit to see my Auntie in a few weeks. We made it through that awful situation together at this time last year but I still have this sinking feeling of not divulging too much right now. I know you would tell me that I can tell you whatever it is that’s bothering me, but sometimes I don’t even have the words to describe what it is. I just know that it feels like sometimes the whole world might cave in and I won’t survive it and I don’t know how to make it better because I can’t even pinpoint exactly where it comes from. It’s just feels like this big black blob is occupying a lot of space on the inside. Some days it’s so big I can scarcely breathe and I am certain it is about to suffocate me.

We need to figure out how to get rid of the overwhelming feelings that seem to be on the verge of eliminating everything we’ve accomplished so far. I’ve been trying to hold onto the words you’ve said about the progress we’ve made in all of this, but today I just don’t see it. It feels like we’re at that same quiet, scared place of February 2015 when you were a complete stranger and I felt a mess all the time trying to figure out how not to be destroyed by my trauma.

Hiding and remaining calm even under the worst conditions has always been my superpower T, however I haven’t had much luck lately. No matter where I go or what I do, I feel exposed all the time. Everything feels strange and I don’t feel safe in this world. I feel like I was never meant to exist in the first place and I just want to escape my own skin and the gnawing interior discomfort that I feel.

After all the years of struggle, a sadness still lingers and I feel like we are playing a losing game.