I’ve asked myself the question a thousand times a day when it’s literally felt like my world is falling apart around me. Lately it feels like I’ve been asking the question more often than not. And it all feels like it’s my fault for being too much for those around me.
I often feel like I sound like a broken record: ‘life was hard’, ‘my mother doesn’t understand’, ‘I feel unloved and unwanted and alone’, ‘I miss T’, ‘I want to die’. Literally, I feel like sometimes it’s shit or get off the pot. Either do something about it all or just stop complaining. I feel like the majority of my thoughts are negative and that’s one of the main reasons I keep most things to myself. Why drag down the whole world with me if I can’t get myself out of this slump.
I sometimes, no that’s not right, I absolutely, think that indifference displayed by one’s own mother towards their child feels worse than death might. I’ve tried to see it from her side–her own failed upbringing–but it doesn’t lessen the pain of having to now learn all of the things I should have learned in childhood. It’s hard not to feel angry about it all, even though I try not to. Most of the time, its just feels like I was, and will always be, too much for her.
I think what I really wish would happen would be that someone else would get angry about her. And by someone, I mean T. He’s so diplomatic and tries to see both sides of the story but sometimes it feels like he’s actually sticking up for her (he probably isn’t, it’s just how it feels). Together we are stronger, is one of his favourite sayings. Stronger in numbers? Not when it feels like you’re all alone feeling something really big and painful.
Not when you feel like too much.
When I get into these states of feeling like ‘too much’, I feel so sensitive. It leaves me drowning in shame. Things feel sharp and biting. Uncomfortable at best. At least once a day I reach the point where, if I have to deal with one more problem/reminder/flashback I find myself starting to cry.
I feel like a ‘too much’ person. One who feels too deeply, asks too often and needs to much. I take up too much space with my persistent wanting, too much wanting. I desire a lot, wanting everything–too much happiness, too much alone time, too much quiet and too much calm. I feel like a “too much” human. . . too honest, too emotional, too intense, too difficult, too sensitive, too fat, too needy—too much.
And it feel like this toomuchness is going to cave the world in around me.