letters not sent–we don’t know how to ask for what we need

Dear T,

It feel like we’re back in the place where we spend too much time in silence looking for the words to try to explain how we feel. It’s gut-wrenching to constantly wonder whether or not we’re doing the right thing.

There’s something about this time of year that makes us feel so sad and disconnected but we don’t have any idea what it is that causes it. It was the same last year and the years before that. Last year was so bad we ended up in that horrible place. We are now trying our best to keep calm and avoid finding ourselves there again. Part of us is afraid to say too much about it so we just stay quiet instead.

I want to run away. I want to hide from all of the things that make us feel unloved, unwanted and worthless. It’s been too long of feeling this way and we need to learn to shake it from all that is us.

There is something that we need but we don’t know what it is so we can’t ask for it. I only wish we could find a way to explain what we feel and what we need to feel better about it all. We have never before felt this lost for words.

Even though you are right beside us we still feel very alone and disconnected. We hate when this happens and wish it would go away. We have spent so many years disconnected from this world and we need to find a way out of it. We know you will say we can get through anything just by talking but we don’t know how we can do that when the words won’t form.

We want to be different from the way we were before. We feel so helpless and hopeless even though we know we are older now. It still shouldn’t be this way after all of these years and we find it frustrating that we fall back to this place time and time again.

We need out. We need things to change because right now we are sinking. We need help to find the words so that things start to feel better again.